Whack-A-Mom

Here we go again. I was nearly done with this post when Lauren became as bored with Jack's movie choice, Flushed Away, as I am and decided to push the pretty green light on the side of my laptop and turn my effing computer off.

Do you remember the Whack-A-Mole game at Chuck E. Cheese? An at home version has now been developed for preschoolers, complete with four plastic mallets. I (correction, the Easter Bunny) got it for Jack for Easter because he had been eyeing it at a friend’s house for months, and I had a coupon (my mom would be so proud). Whoever came up with the idea to arm preschoolers with plastic mallets should be tied up with a target painted on his head in a room full of kids, each with their own mallet. I say his because this lack of judgment was obviously the work of a male! I am sure you are questioning my judgment at this point; I will admit it was a weak moment...and I HAD A COUPON! Anyway, I was lying on the floor with the kids for our afternoon "dog pile" session when one of my vile children decided to hit me with a mallet. I yelped in pain as I was taken totally off guard. The other two were obviously amused by this and decided to get their own mallets. The more you are hit with plastic mallets the more they begin to feel like they are made of steel. My evil spawn laughed with glee as I winced in pain trying to remove the weapons from their sticky little clutches.

After I regained control I took the kids with me to run errands. We had to hit Bed, Bath and Beyond, Old Navy and Tom Thumb. I knew the only way to keep my kids under control for three stores in a row was to bribe them with McDonald's for dinner. This bribe worked really well, probably because I have implemented the healthy eating regime. I walked through ALL THREE stores with pride as my children behaved like little angels. I was the one who got to look at the other mothers while their children ran amuck. Did I let these poor saps in on my little secret? HELL NO! For one moment in time I let these poor women think that I was an 'Alpha Mom'. The only mishap was as I was loading the kids up after Tom Thumb. There was a particularly butchy woman loading her groceries in the car next to me. As I loaded the kids in Jack asked me what was wrong with the man next to us. I quietly said it was a girl and went about my buckling. Jack had perfect comedic timing and waited for me to open the door closest to this lady and said "Hey mom, what is that scary woman's name", it took all that I had to bite my tongue and not answer "Pat". Don't worry it is all back to normal now, my kids have eaten their greasy morsels and are now acting as though they have nothing to lose!