Mommy (David) and Goodyear (Goliath)

Normally Travis is in charge of all things car related, but this time was different, we have been so busy I could not give up my truck for a whole day. I needed new tires, so Travis ordered them from tirerack.com and put them in my truck. He instructed me to call Goodyear (I normally don't name names, but Goodyear sucks so bad I want the world to know it!) in the morning and schedule an appointment to have them mounted and balanced. Travis also told me to make sure that I got the Tire Rack discount. I figured this assignment would be easy enough...

On the phone:
Me: Good morning, I need to schedule an appointment to have tires mounted and balanced on my LR3
Jeremy (store manager at Goodyear): No problem, when do you want to come in?
Me: This morning would be best.
Jeremy: Our first available appointment is 3 o'clock
Me: How long will it take? (I need to pick Jack up at 3:45)
Jeremy: Well, it is hard for me to say because we might not be able to get you in right away if our bays are full.
Me: (slightly befuddled) Okay, I will try the 3.

Why do they schedule appointments if they don't save a place for you? When he said I might have to wait, I was thinking 20 minutes or so. I arrived for my appointment 10 minutes early hoping that would help my cause, I was wrong.

Arriving at the shop, with Ben and Lauren in tow:
Me: Hello, I am here for my 3 o'clock mounting and balancing appointment.
Jeremy: Are you going to be able to leave us your truck?
Me: No, that is why I made an appointment.
Jeremy: Well, like I said on the phone you are going to have to wait. We won't be able to get your truck in for an hour to an hour and a half.
Me: (sighing heavily) Okay...

Then, Jeremy presented me with a preliminary bill to sign off on.

Me: Does this include the Tire Rack discount?
Jeremy: No, we have to have a copy of the invoice to give you the discount.
Me: It is all on the tire.
Jeremy: I need the invoice, not the tire sticker.
Me: I haven't removed anything from the tires; it has all of Tire Rack's numbers on it.
Jeremy: I can't give you the discount without the invoice.

Frustrated, I called Travis.

Me: They won't give me the discount without the invoice.
Travis: It's on the tire.
Me: I told him that, he still won't give it to me without an invoice.
Travis: Let me talk to him.

I handed my cell phone over to Jeremy. I could tell Travis was explaining how things were going to go because Jeremy was doing a lot of "yes, sir". Then I heard Jeremy say "Well, your wife didn't tell me that". This is when I lost it!

Me: This is bullshit! I did so tell you, you are a liar!
Jeremy: It's okay I am going to give you the discount.
Me: NO! IT IS NOT OKAY! You were trying to take advantage of me because I am a woman! He didn't tell you anything that I hadn't already explained to you! You are a jerk!!
Jeremy: I am not trying to take advantage of you because you are a woman.
Me: Do you try to take advantage of everyone?!?!?
Jeremy: I am not trying to take advantage of you.
Me: I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree.

When I returned to Ben and Lauren's side Lauren had a few questions for me.

Lauren: Why were you yelling at that man?
Me: (loud enough for Jeremy to hear) because he is a pig!
Lauren: Like the kind that rolls in the mud?
Me: Yes, just like that!

This is when the best moment of my day occurred! Ben and Lauren stared snorting like pigs at Jeremy. Did I stop them? Oh no, I did not stop them, I actually considered joining in, but I decided to be the adult!

We continued to wait and wait and wait. Finally after we had been at the shop for over an hour I see them pull my car into the shop. 15 minutes later Jeremy comes to the waiting area holding my owner’s manual.

Jeremy: Do you know how to turn off the air suspension?
Me: No, shouldn't you?
Jeremy: Well, I have gone through the manual and I can't find anything about it.
Me: Let me call my husband...again!

This time Travis was in a meeting when I called so he didn't answer. I had to pull the emergency second call. Travis knows if I call twice back to back he needs to pick up. I quickly told Travis what was going on and again I had to hand Jeremy my cell phone. Travis explained to the grease monkey that the air suspension does not turn off so he would have to do each tire separately. I could hear Jeremy hemming and hawing about how that would take longer, blah, blah, blah. When Jeremy got off the phone he told me that it was going to take longer. I had already called Trisha and asked her to pick Jack up from school so I figured I had already been there an hour and a half, what's a little longer!

It wasn't long before my phone rang. It was Travis telling me that these people didn't know what they are doing and to get my truck away from them stat! I balked at first, because I already had nearly 2 hours invested into the tire mounting and balancing. But, Travis explained that they could cause $3000 worth of damage if/when they do it wrong. So, after 2 hours of hanging out at Goodyear I left with my same old tires!

Naughty or Nice?

Jack: What if Santa just leaves me coal for Christmas?
Me: Then I will have to ask you what naughty thing you did that I didn't know about.
Jack: Oh.
Me: Have you been naughty or nice?
Jack: Nice.
Ben: I have been really nice!
Me: Lauren, have you been naughty or nice?
Lauren: Naughty...Wait, I mean nice, NICE, I promise I have been NICE!
Jack: We might all be on the naughty list...
Me: Well, you could try really hard to be nice between now and Christmas and maybe Santa will forgive you for anything naughty you have done.
Ben: I have been nice ALL DAY and Santa hasn't given me anything...Santa is the naughty one!

Zhu Zhu, How Could You?

Have you heard of Zhu Zhu Pets? If not, you are only about a week behind me. A week or so ago my kids summoned me to the game room to see a commercial for Zhu Zhu Pets. I was berated with a chorus of "I want that!", "Me too!", "I am going to ask Santa!” etc. My first thought was fantastic, those look cheap! A Zhu Zhu Pet is a little battery powered hamster that runs through a little maze, has a car, a bed, clothes and a multitude of other accessories you can purchase, if you have enough money. I did a quick online search and found they were one of the 'hot' toys for this Christmas season. I decided to go out the next day to purchase the Zhu Zhu Pets and found an empty shelf where they should sit. I called my mom right away and let her know to be on the lookout for them. Since the first store I visited I have been to at least a dozen more and have called every Target in the metroplex. Not a single Zhu Zhu in town. I have made a point to go into every Walmart and Target I see as I am going about my daily business. Today I went into a Walmart and was told that they haven't ever had any of the hamsters in, only accessories. Are you kidding me? They are advertising the hell out of this little toy, working our kids into a frenzy and there aren't enough to go around. Perhaps they would be better off spending money on manufacturing rather than marketing! If I actually find them at Walmart I will have to hold them hostage until my mom can get to the store too because there is a limit of two. Two Zhu Zhu pets are as good as none to me. How do I choose which kid doesn't get one? I have drug Ben and Lauren in and out of store after store searching for the little rodents. After the umpteenth store Lauren told me "Don't worry mom, if you can't find Zhu Zhu Pets Santa will bring them for us!” Great. Just great. Who taught her this blind faith in Santa anyway? The good news is the pets are only eight bucks a piece, if I could find them. I apparently wasn't the only one who thought, "No problem, I have time, I will just order them online". Well, it isn't a problem if you are willing to pay FIVE times the MSRP. That's right, they aren't available on the normal discount/department store sites and they are between $40 and $50 a piece on amazon.com. Unbelievable.

Update...

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it has been almost a month since my last confession...ummm, I mean, blog. I have been so busy lately that I have only had time to do a quick Facebook post. Still being busy I am going to give you the highlights from the last month.
•I caught Ben standing on the toilet peeing. The kid actually had the lid up and was standing with one foot on each side! And, to make matters worse, he was in MY master bathroom. There was pee everywhere, yuck! When I questioned him he simply said he was standing up, like a big boy. I have been told that he is brilliant because it would be virtually impossible for him to stand on the ground and pee up into the toilet. I am going to go ahead and encourage sitting from this point forward!
•As the room mother for Ben and Lauren’s preschool class I was at school for their Halloween party. It was a little tricky because, as I requested, Ben and Lauren sit at different tables. While I was at Ben’s table I was listening in on a conversation about what the kids were going to be for Halloween.
Little Girl: Me, my sister and my mom are going to dress up like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
Ben: I am going to be Scooby Doo, Lauren is going to be Daphne, my big brother is going to be Shaggy and my mom is going to be Velma.
Little Girl: Is your dad going to be Freddy?
Ben: No, my dad doesn’t like fun… (I could see the wheels in his little head turning, he must have been thinking, oh no, they aren’t going to think my dad is cool, I must recover)…but, he does like to ride zebras!

•I have been so proud of Jack’s reading. At the end of kindergarten he was a level 3 which was on the low side of average or the high side of below average. I prefer to think of it as the former. After the first two months of first grade he is now reading level 12 books! Level 12 books are the last books for first graders until they are considered gifted! Yes, that’s right my formerly below average kid is now almost gifted. I am most proud of the hard work he has put in. This morning when I came out of my bedroom I found Jack on the couch reading a book to his sister! Man, I love that kid!
•Lauren has been such a pleaser lately. She is becoming the child my mother promised a girl would be. She started out as a needy little thing, but lately she only wants to make me happy. She tries to do everything just like I do and says things like “big girls only cry if they get hurt, right mommy?”
•Lauren: Mommy, are you mad at me:
Me: No baby, I’m not mad!
Lauren: Then why do you have your angry eyes on?
Me: I don’t have angry eyes, what are you talking about?
Lauren: All those lines in between your eyes above your nose.
Me: I am just squinting…and I could probably use some Botox
Lauren: What’s Botox?
•Travis and I are leaving for Arizona Friday. We are going to visit a good friend and meet her new boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a former Marine and does base jumping. So, Travis and I are going to check sky diving off our bucket lists while we are there. I have already called going first. The way I see it is that if he goes first and plummets to the earth not only do I not get to go, but I am strapped with 3 kids all by myself!

Early Halloween

Lauren: Mommy, you ran a red light!
Me: No, I didn't.
Lauren: Was it just a green light in a red light costume?

I Like Big Butts and I Can Not Lie!

I had Ben and Lauren at Walmart to grab a couple things. It reminded me why I like to get my shopping done while they are at school. I noticed a Walmart employee with an unusually large rear end. What was strange was the size of her butt compared to the rest of her body. I am not saying her body was small, I am just saying her hiney was too big! So, I can't blame Lauren when she made the observation. I am just glad we were out of ear shot of the woman.

Lauren: Did you see that lady with the giant bottom?
Me: (lying through my teeth, in hopes of ending the conversation so the other Walmart employee walking next to us wouldn't over hear us) No.
Lauren: Well, she works here and she has a giant bottom, why didn't you see it?

Now the young male Walmart employee is chuckling under his breath.

Me: (to the young guy) Not funny!
Walmart guy: Depends on who you are.

After we were away from the employee I tried to discuss the situation with Lauren.

Me: How would you feel if someone said you had a giant bottom?
Lauren: But, I don't have a giant bottom.

Wow, where do I go from here? When she's right, she's right.

The Fruit of the Spirit is...

Travis: What did you guys learn in school today?
Ben: Nothing.
Lauren: I don't know.
Me: Did you have religion today?
Lauren: Yes.
Me: What did you learn in religion?
Lauren: I don't remember.
Me: What are the fruits of the spirit?
Lauren: ummmm...strawberries and lemons?

What's In A Name?

Lauren: What was your first name?
Me: Kelli
Lauren: No, what was your first name when you were a little girl like me?
Me: Kelli
Lauren: No, what was your name before it was Kelli?
Me: My name has always been Kelli
Lauren: Your name is Kelli now, what is your first name?
Me: Kelli
Lauren: You didn't have a first name?
Me: Yes, I have a first name and I have had it since I was born. My name is Kelli. Once your mommy and daddy give you a name, it is your name for the rest of your life.
Lauren: You don't understand! I want to know what your first name was?
Me: Just call me Mommy!

The First Day and The File

Today was Ben and Lauren's first day of school. They looked darling and had a great day. Drop off went well. The kids jumped right in and started playing; I was able to keep it together until I got to the car and read the poem the teachers handed me on the way out.

The First Day

We gave you a little wink and a smile
As you entered our room today.
For we know how hart it is to leave
And know your children must stay.

You've been with them for four years now
And have been a loving guide,
But now, alas, the time has come
To leave them at our side.

Just know that as you drive away
And tears down your cheeks may flow
We'll love them as we would our own
And help them learn and grow.

So please put your mind at ease
And cry those tears no more
For we will love them and take them in
When you leave them at our door.

By Jamie Solley

My day was really full with work and lunch with a friend so I didn't have much time at home. But the time I was at home was so quiet and lonely that I wasn't sure what to do with myself. Those kids have been my sidekicks for so long, I really missed them!










I am happy to report that there weren't additional entries into Ben and Lauren's "file" today. At meet the teacher I over heard Lauren interacting with one of the teachers.

Lauren: This is the mommy.
Teacher: Oh, where is the daddy?
Lauren: The daddy is over here, he is in jail.
Teacher: Why is the daddy in jail?

I love how the teacher tried to probe without acting too alarmed. I can only imagine the label on the file that this little exchange went in...

What Does This Protect?

Jack had his first baseball game last week. Grammy and grandpa took advantage of their move to Texas and came too. Unfortunately, they were only an inning and a half into the game when it was called for lightning. This is a double whammy, the kid is disappointed AND worst of all they didn't play enough innings for the game to count, so we have to do it all over again later in the season! Jack didn't touch the ball the whole game. He didn't bat and when he was in the field the ball didn't come near him. The only bright side of the whole evening was that his uniform was still in pristine condition so I wouldn't have to wash it! But, he ended up spilling his Gatorade down his shirt and onto his pants. I had him take his uniform off in the laundry room so I could get the red drink out of his new pants right away. When he took off his pants I noticed that that the Gatorade had soaked through his pants and into his special cup holding underwear. I had him take his underwear off so I could wash it too. The cup was left on the laundry room floor and I didn't give it another thought until the next morning when I heard Jack screaming at Lauren. I came running to see that Lauren had the cup upside down over her nose and mouth like a gas mask.

Me: Gross Lauren; take that off your face!
Lauren: What is it?
Me: It is Jack's cup.
Lauren: What do you do with it?
Jack: It is not for your nose, it is for my penis!

When I told my mom this story she was quick to bring up the story of her little brother putting her middle brother's jock on his head and running around the house saying "I didn't know you had a hockey mask, Billy!” The middle brother was yelling, "Get my jock off your head!" and my grandmother was screaming, "It is not a jock, it is an athletic supporter!" So, perhaps she has a genetic defect...

Panty Envy

Me: Come on Lauren, let's get your Cinderella panties on!
Lauren: Mommy, do you have Cinderella panties?
Me: No, do you feel sorry for me?
Lauren: Yes, I do! But, don't give up, Mommy...just ask Santa to bring you some!

Happy Birthday Benny and Lolo!

Me: Good morning! Happy birthday Benny!
Ben: Is I'm four?
Me: You sure are!
Ben: YESSSS!!!

I can't believe my babies are 4 years old today! We just got home from the lake late this afternoon. My parents arrive in Texas tomorrow; we have a repeat of the 4-year-old fire truck birthday party Friday and a family party Sunday. I will make time to write something sappy between fire truck frames in the next few days!

Six Flags, More Flags, More Fun!

Jack asked for a trip to Six Flags for his birthday back in March. We normally go over Spring Break when it is nice and cool. But, on the day that we had planned to go Jack woke up in the morning not feeling well. I got him to eat some breakfast, assuming he would feel better. It was only moments after he finished breakfast that he hurled all over the kitchen floor. So, our Six Flags trip was postponed. We decided to wait until school was out so we wouldn't have to fight the crowds on the weekend. When I received the email announcing Dora would be at Six Flags for one day only I knew that was the perfect day to go! When we scheduled the day we had no idea it would be 105 degrees out. We spent a few hours going on all sorts of rides. Travis and I took turns going on the roller coasters with Jack while the other one would take Ben and Lauren on a nearby kiddie ride. We were one of the few that thought going to Six Flags in 105 degree heat on a Thursday so we didn't have to wait in any lines! We were able to stay on most rides for two turns because there wasn't anyone waiting. The longest line we waited in was to see Dora. Travis took Jack on a ride while Lauren, Ben and I waited on Dora. When we finally got to the front of the line I got my camera out to document the moment. It was so hot that my camera wasn't functioning. As I was trying to get my camera to work Dora's security guard started pushing my stroller out of the way and ushering us through the line. I felt like Ralphie on The Christmas Story when the elf threw him down the slide and he still had more to tell Santa. There was a Six Flags representative there taking pictures, but I couldn't bring myself to buy it after spending $15 for parking, $175 for tickets and $65 for lunch. I can only hope that meeting Dora will be etched in their little memories! I was able to get the camera to work at the end of the day when the kids were nearing heat stroke. Lauren's hair started in braids; by the time the photo was taken she has one braid and one crimped ponytail. A good time was had by all!

The New Dating Rules

I have many friends that have gotten divorced in the last few years. I was saddened to watch Jon and Kate split up last night. All of these women have something in common; they are learning the 'new dating rules'. I do not envy these women and I am pretty sure that if Travis and I split up I would end up living a life of celibacy. I had to chuckle as my kids explained the dating rules to me from their point of view.

Ben: When I get bigger can we go on a date?
Me: Sure.
Jack: I will take you on a date to McAllister's!
Lauren: I want to go on a date with you too!
Jack: You can't go on a date with mom!
Me: Why not?
Lauren: Yes, I can!
Jack: No, you can't because you are a girl. Only boys can go on dates with girls and since you are a girl you can't go on a date wit mom because she is a girl. Ben and I are boys, so we can go on dates with mom.
Me: Can moms go on dates with her sons?
Jack: Sure, why not?

Kooky Cookie Cook-off

The 'lazy days of summer' are a farce! I don't know who is relaxing, but it sure isn't me! I have been running myself ragged trying to make positive summer vacation memories for my kids. Now that I am working I have decided to spend a couple hours a day on real estate, one hour at the gym and remainder of the day creating 'fun' for my kids. Since we are not made of money we will only do one thing that costs money (that isn't already spent like the pool or zoo membership) per week, the rest of the week we will do activities at home, the splash park, the pool or the zoo. The pay activities are things like Six Flags, the movies, roller-skating, Chuck E. Cheese, etc. We have scheduled our fun on the dry erase calendar so Jack can read it to the little ones and they can look forward to the next day’s fun. The calendar does leave room for spontaneity because we can easily push the activity later in the month if a play date or better offer comes along. I am not creative when it comes to entertaining children so I read a book "Fun House" by Karol Ladd. I read her book "The Power of a Positive Mom" and loved it so I figured this book couldn't be bad. A lot of the ideas are for older kids, but I did find several that the kids are excited about.

Today we had a Kooky Cookie Cook-off. I made a batch of cookie base and divided it into three equal portions. The kids made their own 'recipe' by choosing from chocolate chips, butterscotch chips, peanut butter cups, Oreos, cereal, cocoa, chocolate pudding, candy bars, Skittles, M&Ms, sprinkles, etc. The kids had a fabulous time making their cookies, then delivered them with pride to our neighbor. You have to love Mr. Paul, he looked at the cookies and without missing a beat told the kids how excited he was to try them.

Bible Camp Beads

The kids have been in Vacation Bible Camp all week and have had a fabulous time. I love picking the kids up. They are so uplifted and excited to see me, especially Ben. The second he sees me he goes into an all out sprint and jumps into my arms! Yesterday after jumping into my arms he presented me with a hand strung bead necklace with a small wooden cross in the middle. "I made it for you mama! ...because I love you!" Man, I love this kid with all my heart! When I looked at Lauren I saw her balling up her necklace trying to fit it into her tiny fist.

Me: Are you ready Lolo?
Lauren: (says nothing because she is still concentrating on getting her necklace hidden in her hand)
Me: What are you doing love?
Lauren: Nothing
Me: What are you doing with your necklace?
Lauren: (sheepishly avoiding eye contact) I made my necklace for me.
Me: Honey, that's okay...If you want it you should keep it!

Sink or Swim

In attempts to avoid the awful swimming lesson experience Jack has had in the past I am giving the kids private lessons. I am more than qualified, I was on swim team for 10+ years, taught group and private lessons for 8+ years, coached a kids (6-16 year olds) swim team for 5 years and coached a masters swim team (adults) for 3 or 4 years. If I were looking for the perfect teacher for my kids I would hire me...just to toot my own horn!

Last night was Lauren's turn. When we arrived at the pool she announced that she would rather swim in the baby pool. I calmly explained that we swim in the big pool for swimming lessons. That is when she told me she wanted to go home. What? You have to be kidding me! All I have ever hoped for in a kid is someone to follow in my swimming footsteps. I know you aren't supposed to put that much pressure on your kids, but I can't help it. Some people hope for beautiful kids, some hope for smart kids...I hoped for a swimmer...and I ended up with beautiful, smart kids! I talked her into the pool, but then she clung to my neck in attempts to drown me. When that didn't work she started crying, drawing the attention of all of the other children who love to swim. I tried a few more minutes to no avail, so I pulled her out of the pool, dried her off and walked her to the car without speaking. She followed in shock. When we got home I sent her to bed. Strike one.

Tonight was Jack's turn. I could tell he was a little nervous, no doubt it stemmed from Lauren's unsuccessful experience. When we first got into the pool he started acting skittish, but a quick mention of going home to bed snapped him out of it. He did a great job! By the end of our lesson he was jumping in and swimming 15 yards to me. And, best of all he was proud of himself!

Jack: Next time I have a lesson I am going to swim more than 15 yards!
Me: That is great you are working really hard.
Jack: What if I swim 25 yards next time?
Me: I will be really proud of you!
Jack: Will I still get to have swimming lessons?
Me: Absolutely, there is always room for improvement. Do you want to keep having swimming lessons? Are you having fun?
Jack: Yes, I am having lots of fun! Can we keep doing swimming lessons until I am 25?
Me: We can do lessons as long as you want!
Jack: How old will you be when I am 25?
Me: I will be 52.
Jack: Will you still know how to swim when you are 52?
Me: Of course!
Jack: Well, Grammy is old and she doesn't know how to swim.
Me: Sure

Tomorrow, Ben. Here's hoping it goes as well as this evening went!

Let The Beach Towel Washing Begin!

Just when I was thinking I couldn't put one more thing on my plate the summer beach towel washing has begun. The kids and I spent the afternoon outside on the slip and slide in the backyard. (This body isn't ready for the neighborhood pool yet.) When we came inside I was saddled with four dirty beach towels and swimsuits. The kids are all crashed out on the floor sleeping off their over indulgence in the sun. I am soaking up the sweet smell of sweaty kids with a hint of water and sunscreen. It is a smell that will turn my stomach by the end of the summer, but for now it is bringing the fond memories of summers past flooding back.

Trapped!

I have been bringing Ben and Lauren along when I show homes to clients that I have good relationships with. When it is a buyer that I have worked with for a long time I don't mind bringing them with me. They have been really good in the past; I guess I just got cocky. Today I took them along to show some town homes not far from my house. My buyer was a little late so we sat outside while we waited so we could enjoy the beautiful weather. Ben and Lauren were running up and down the sidewalk. Lauren tripped on her flip-flop and scrapped her knee. She whined as we went through the first two houses. In the third town home we stepped outside onto the balcony to check out the golf course view. Ben and Lauren followed us onto the balcony and Ben swung the door shut. When we turned to go inside we realized the door was locked! There were not any stairs to the ground from this second story balcony; we were trapped like rats! I called the owner of the town home to see if he could come unlock the door. The owner was at a closing and wouldn't be able to rescue us for at least a couple hours. Crap! I make a habit of leaving the front door open as a safety precaution when I show houses, so I called Trisha hoping that she was not in the middle of something. She rushed right over and was able to rescue us within about 3 minutes. It wasn't the disaster that is could have been, but it was certainly embarrassing!! Needless to say, Ben and Lauren won't be coming the next time I show that buyer a home!

Foul Two!

Jack had another baseball game today. Based on our last faux pas I found a place on the bleachers off by ourselves. However, our new friend and her daughter, Scarlet, came to sit by us. I said a quick silent prayer in hopes that we wouldn't have to discuss the mother's teeth again. I guess I shouldn't have made my prayer so specific. Thank God, Lauren didn't mention the teeth again. But, apparently she didn't think this family had endured enough humiliation and greeted the little girl by saying "Hi Skirt, why do you always wear the same clothes?" They must think she is a mini mean girl.