It's An Epidemic!

Stood Up

Yesterday we had a play date with Elsie planned. Jack was so cute, he picked out a special outfit and asked me to fix his hair. Then he told me that he needed to borrow something from daddy and started going for his bathroom draw. I tried to stop him but he informed me that daddy says it is okay and he pulled out Travis' cologne and proceeded to spray, then walk through it! It was such a bummer when Elsie wasn't able to come. Let's hope this is the first and last time the poor little guy is stood up!

Gig 'Em

Jack: Mom, is it okay if I root for the Aggies?
Me: What?
Jack: My friend Derek roots for the Aggies, can I root for them too?
Me: Well, your dad and I root for the Huskers.
Jack: Can I root for the Huskers and the Aggies?
Me: Yes, as long as they aren't playing each other.
Jack: hmmm
Me: When the Huskers play the Aggies you should root for the Huskers.
Jack: Because the Huskers will be the winners?
Me: Yes!

So Sweet...Sometimes

We were on our way to a play date this morning. The kids were in the backseat serenading me with their usual tune.

"She's touching me!"
"No!"
"Stop it!"
"He scratched me!"
"He sneezed on me!"
"They are spitting on me!"
"Jack bite me!"

Jack biting Lauren tore it! I said something I used to hate hearing from my own mother.

"Jack, you better be nice to her, she is the only sister you will ever have!"

Then they were quite. I was in shock! I turned around expecting to see them plotting against me, but instead I saw Jack fighting back tears.

Me: What's wrong Jack?
Jack: I am just so sad.
Me: What are you sad about?
Jack: When we get big, Lauren is not going to live with me.
Me: You are right someday you will both get married and live with your own kids.
Jack: But, I always want to live with you and Lauren and Benny and daddy.

I know he won't always feel this way, but for now I am going to soak up the awesome feeling of agreeing with him. I wish we could always be together!

Oops!

I was on the phone sorting out with my friend Katie when she was going to come see me when Lauren walked up and dropped a one legged Batman in my lap. "Broken mama, broken” I could clearly see the problem. As I continued to talk on the phone I attempted to snap the leg back on. Instead I snapped the remaining leg off. Oops! Unfortunately, it was a clean break. This leg isn't going back on. I assessed the damage. Will Jack notice that Batman's legs are half the length they used to be? I think so. What else is there to do but bury the doll in the outside trashcan and hope Jack never thinks of Batman again? Am I the only mother who has done this?

You Aren't My Friend

From the game room upstairs...

Jack: Go see your mommy!
Lauren: Why?
Jack: You pooped you stink!
Lauren: No I didn't!
Jack: Go see mommy, I am not friends with stinky girls and liars!
Lauren: ...she said something that I couldn't understand through the tears...poor girl, it's not easy being a stinky liar!

For the record, she did poop...I guess that does make her a liar!

Sue, Sue, Sue!

Today I was busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest. Between taking Lauren to the doctor for her bladder issues (AGAIN), picking up the dry cleaning, grocery shopping, going to the bank, returning clothes at Old Navy, getting the boys hair cut and working I stopped to pick up Happy Meals for the kids at McDonalds. I am looking for an attorney to take my case on a contingency basis. If you are reading this blog and would like to take my case please give me a call.

I ordered juice boxes for the kids instead of milk hoping to avoid any messes in my car. I tossed cheeseburgers, chicken nuggets and fries to the backseat as I drove. I waited until I got to a red light to pass back the juice boxes. Why juice box manufacturers don't make the boxes out of steel so the kids can't accidentally squeeze juice all over themselves is beyond me! I thoroughly explained to the thirsty children do not squeeze your juice box, take a big sip right away so you don't spill juice all over yourself. I handed Lauren and Jack their juice without incident. When I handed Ben his juice he squeezed it ever so slightly and juice came out all over his shirt and car seat. I yelled "drink, drink, drink", but all that did was give me a flashback to the frat parties I attended in college. Ben froze up and let juice run down his front, just then the light turned green. I grabbed the juice from him in attempts to stop the spilling, but all I did was manage to spill juice all down the passenger seat, all over all of my to do list, on my shorts and on my hands. I managed to make everything I touched in my freshly cleaned car (thanks Travis) sticky, including the steering wheel. If people can sue for spilling hot coffee from a drive thru on themselves, can I sue for the juice fiasco?

Dance Party USA

In our younger days Travis and I were quite the CD collectors, which has left us with a selection of nearly 400 different albums. This is something our kids will never have with the invention of the iPod. This morning Travis hosted a dance party baby style. The kids stood in the middle of the family room waiting with anticipation as Travis played DJ, he spun tunes from the Beastie Boys to the Blues Brothers. As long as it has a lot of bass and a strong beat the kids are fans. If they didn't like Travis' choice they would protest by sticking their fingers in their ears and chant "change songs, changes songs, we want music". Brass Monkey is a favorite! They danced in circles with their hands in the air (like they just don't care) for over an hour. Lauren even put on her 'my first hooker shoes' and tried to dance on the coffee table. Mommy was a buzz kill and put the kibosh on that one! I hope these are the mornings the kids remember for the rest of their lives!

It's A Doggy Dog World

Ben and Lauren have an unexplained fear of man's best friend. Now, we don't have a dog, but I certainly haven't done anything to make them think dogs are scary. From the time they were babies they have been exposed to our friend's black lab, but in the last 6 months they have developed a doggy phobia. They act really tough if the dog is on the other side of glass, but if the dog even turns their direction they freak. Yesterday we took the kids to the local ice cream crank off that is put on by our friend's uncle. Tons of people come out and some people bring their dogs, which is something I will never understand. Dogs are not children; it is not illegal to leave them at home when you go somewhere. Ben was playing the run away and wait for someone to chase you down game yesterday. I will admit my friends were helping me by taking turns chasing him down, but it was getting a little old. He took off again, turning back to make sure we were all watching him and laughing at our sorry asses. When he finally turned around to see where he was going he was face to face with a dog. This wasn't just any dog; it was a big dog that I will admit looked a little menacing! Ben let out a blood curdling scream, did an about face and ran faster than I have ever seen him run! It is a doggy dog world and Benny was wearing milk bone underpants!

It's Official

Today was great! I took the kids shopping for school clothes this morning. I was able to find four short sleeve shirts and three long sleeve shirts for Jack. The shopping trip was all about Jack, but I couldn't help buying a matching button down for Benny. The kids were fabulous while we went to three different stores. As other people's children were running amuck, Jack was calmly pushing Ben and Lauren in their stroller and staying close by. At the third store Jack announced that he was hungry and I offered to drive through McDonalds for happy meals on the way home since they had been so good. Jack said, "No mommy, I have a great idea, let's go sit down for a nice meal". I had a momentary lapse in judgment and asked where he would like to go. He told me Chili's is the best restaurant. Chili's is on the other side of town and I didn't want the babies to fall asleep on the way there. I was so nervous about taking all of the kids to a sit down restaurant by myself but I couldn't let Jack down. I asked Jack to pick a different restaurant that was closer, so he chose Tin Star. The kids were perfect. Jack held Lauren's hand and I took Ben's. The kids sat at the table nicely and ate all of their lunch. People were stopping me to tell me how well behaved and cute my kids were. It felt really good. I couldn't help but think how freeing it was to have kids that were old enough to go out to lunch with. It made me long for when the kids are a little older and we can do even more together. I realized that having another baby would just prolong my pending freedom. It is official, I am done having babies and satisfied with my family just the way it is!

It Doesn't Get Easier

Today I ran into a woman who had newborn twins and a 2 1/2 year old with her. It took me back which forced me to be one of those annoying people who stopped the lady with the twins. I told her that she looks like I did two years ago. Fairly mild compared to some of the comments that I received when Ben and Lauren were small. One of the best ones was a lady at Walmart.
Dumb Lady (DL): Are they twins?
Me: Yes
DL: Are they boys or girls?
Me: (walking away) One of each
DL: (chasing me out of the store) Are they identical?
Me: No
DL: Are you sure? They look identical to me.
Me: Yep, pretty sure.

When people ask me that stupid question I really want to have the guts to say, "this one has a penis and this one has a vagina!” For some reason I am always so flabbergasted by people's ignorance that I just walk away rather than give them an anatomy lesson. Why are Walmart shoppers so dumb?

The woman I saw today asked me if it gets easier. I couldn't lie to her; it doesn't get easier; it just gets different. I get more sleep than she does, so my outlook is probably better, but it would be unfair to say that twins that run, talk back, make messes, disobey and fight are not any easier!

Pioneer Woman

My washing machine has been on the fritz for the last two weeks. I have mentioned it to Travis several times but he has done nothing but talk about fixing it. For some reason it becomes out of balance and quits on me. It has been quitting more and more frequently which requires me to open the lid, dig around in the washer and attempt to rebalance the load. This morning I was washing a simple load of sheets and the damn thing wouldn't run for more than 2 or 3 seconds at a time forcing me to stand by the washing machine and baby it along. I felt like a pioneer woman; it would have been faster for me to load the kids into my covered wagon, navigate the Oregon Trail to the river, beat my sheets against the rocks, then bring them home to hang dry. I am calling the Maytag man if this washer isn't fixed ASAP!

What A Difference Ten Degrees Makes

Last week it was about 105 degrees everyday and I was hurting! I used to say that hot is hot and it doesn't matter whether it is 90 or 100 degrees, I am still sweating. I will admit that I was wrong. My body doesn't like 105 degrees. Cold is the worst temperature for my MS, but when it is over 100 degrees for 7 straight days my body just shuts down. I continued to go to Pilate’s, but I felt like I lost ground everyday. I even fell when doing a particularly tricky maneuver called standing splits. The fall produced a softball size bruise on my upper leg/lower ass. The next day when I met friends at the beach club I had to stop at Target for a cover-up so I didn't look like a battered woman in public! This weekend we went to the lake with friends to tube and water-ski. It felt good. I haven't skied for at least 10 years, so it wasn't pretty, but I did it. The weather is finally back in the 90s, I went to Pilate's this morning and although I was sore from attempting to recreate my 20s last weekend, my strength was back. I feel great!

Where Did She Go?

The kids loved the rodeo! Jack loved it last year, but this was the first time Ben and Lauren actually paid attention. They had a great time hooting and hollering as they passed back and forth between mommy, daddy and various neighbors’ laps. Lauren particularly enjoyed the barrel racing because it involved cowgirls. When they came out of the gate she would yell "wee haw, go cowgirl!” then she would clap and watch intently for the next 16 or so seconds and after they left the arena she would put her hands up and ask "where did she go?" It was so fun to watch her enjoy herself.

Wee Haw Cowgirl!

Tonight we are taking the kids to the rodeo. They are pumped! Ben and Lauren got their first pair of cowboy boots from Aunt Nicole and Uncle Trey for their birthday. They are thrilled to be able to wear them out of the house. Lauren got a denim skirt with pink and red strawberries embroidered on it. It will complement the pink cowGIRL boots beautifully. The skirt came complete with matching shirt, socks, hair bows, sunglasses and panties. Lauren was convinced that the panties were a hat. I caught her going through the house chanting "wee haw cowgirl!"

Wedding Clothes

Jack: Mom, do my wedding clothes still fit me?
Me: The wedding clothes from Aunt Nicole's wedding?
Jack: Yes
Me: Why do you ask?
Jack: I want to wear them on the first day of school.
Me: Aunt Nicole's wedding was two years ago sweety, you have grown a lot since then, I don't think your tuxedo will still fit you.
Jack: Then what am I going to wear?...I want to look good!

Will You Marry Me?

Jack: Mommy, will you marry me?
Me: What about daddy?
Jack: What about him?
Me: I am already married to daddy.
Jack: No, I mean when I get big will you marry me.
Me: I will still be married to daddy when you get big.
Jack: Can't you marry both of us?
Me: No, you only get to marry one person.
Jack: For the rest of your life?
Me: Yep.
Jack: Then I guess I will just have to marry Elsie.

Twins

Dear Lord,

Please remind me of this image when the days with two year old twins get too long. Please remind me that the sweetness portrayed in this photo will not last forever.

Shark! Clear The Water...Wait, That's Not A Shark!

Yesterday my mom, sister and I took the kids to the pool. Jack was a swimming machine he was actually floating on his stomach with his face in the water moving his arms and legs making forward motion. Yes, it was in the baby pool, but he wasn't touching the bottom. I can't wait to have him try it in the big pool! It was at the pool when I noticed that Lauren's urine was cloudy. For those of you who haven't learned the painful lesson of swim diapers I will lay it on the line; they don't hold in pee! I learned this the hard way when I was driving Jack to the pool in his swim diaper. Anyway, as Lauren was standing in a couple of inches of water she peed and I was able to see the cloud in the pool. I quickly swished the water around in hopes that nobody else would notice. I assumed she had another bladder infection and planned to call the doctor when we got home from the pool. Lauren and Ben had a great day in the water too; they both had wet hair and were in at least waist deep. As Lauren was sitting between my mother and I she had a little diarrhea incident. As I mentioned before swim diapers don't hold in liquid. Before I knew it we were sitting in a sewer full of Lauren's shit. I discretely told my mom we needed to go, I picked up Lauren to change her diaper and instructed my mom to get the other kids and their toys. As I was changing Lauren's diaper I noticed the lifeguards clearing the pool. As we walked out I apologized to all of the other mothers, who were very understanding, and the lifeguards, who were not amused! This all went down at noon; my friend who went to the pool at 5pm said the baby pool was still closed! After my mom and sister left I took Lauren to the doctor. They had to catheterize her to get a urine sample, which came back negative. I am having trouble believing the results. Last time the doctor's office missed it but the lab caught it. All of the signs are there; she cries when she pees, her urine smells awful and it is cloudy. The sample was sent to the lab again, so until we get the results we will just give Lauren Motrin for the pain. Poor girl!

I Don't Want To Be A Buzzy Bee!

Jack got a postcard with his preschool assignment today; he is going to be a Busy Bee. He isn't very fond of the name and can't stop calling it the Buzzy Bees. This wasn't a huge concern for me because last year he didn't want to be a monkey either. I agree with him, the names are a little lame. Jack will not be in the same class with his two best friends from school this year. They are both in the Caterpillar class. I fear that it might be my fault since I volunteered for him to be in a peanut free classroom if they needed to even the classes out. I have been telling him how great it will be to meet new friends, but deep down I understand his anxiety. I am a little glad that this happened this year. Next year all three kids will go to different elementary schools, so I think it will be better to adjust to not being in their class in a familiar surrounding. I know once Jack gets into class he will do fine, he is great at making friends. I just hope he doesn't worry about it too much between now and then. Who am I kidding? He probably won't give it another thought...I will do enough worrying for both of us. What is going to happen when he is in high school?

Get Your Own Cheese

Jack has been having his fair share of pooping problems lately. While we were in San Antonio I actually had to use Travis' toothbrush to help Jack with his constipation. I know that is too much information and I am sure Travis would like me to throw in that he left his toothbrush at the hotel! So, this morning after Jack had spent several minutes in the bathroom I stepped over Lauren who was lying on the floor crying at the door and tried to open the door a crack to check on him. The door was locked, I don't blame him, the babies are constantly walking in on him.

Me: Jack, what are you doing in there?
Jack: pooping
Me: okay, don't forget to wash your hands

Several more minutes pass and he is still in the bathroom and Lauren is sticking her hands under the door crying for her brother's attention.

Me: Jack, are you okay?
Jack: Yes
Me: Are you still pooping?
Jack: No
Me: Then what are you still doing in the bathroom?
Jack: Eating my cheese.
Me: What?
Jack: Lauren was trying to take my string cheese away so I am eating it in here for privacy.
Me: Yuck!
Jack: It's not yucky; I like cheese!

Just For Laughs

I was got my nails done this evening while Travis spent some 'quality time' with the kids. I got there at about 6:45 and enjoyed about 15 minutes of CNN until the channel was promptly changed to ABC at 7pm. What did the Vietnamese in the shop want to watch so desperately? Just For Laughs. I have seen previews for this dumb show and thought to myself "who watches this drivel?” Tonight I got my answer. The Vietnamese nail techs could not concentrate on my nails they were so busy laughing at this trash. They didn't even have the volume turned up and the captions were completely off so most of the time I had no clue what was going on. But, I have a cut under my nail to prove my nail tech was enjoying the program. All I can say is that my finger hurts and I am not laughing! I guess there is something for everyone on television!

Two-Year Stats

Ben
Weight 25lbs 15.5oz - 23%
Height 33.5in - 24%
Head 19.5in - 72%

Lauren
Weight 23lbs 8.5oz - 11%
Height 33.5in - 39%
Head 19in - 70%

Today Ben and Lauren had their 2-year check-ups. They are doing great, the doctor expected them to be caught up developmentally by now and they are actually doing better than average! Both of them are a little small, but as their pediatrician tells me, "kids come in different sizes, these are just small ones". Based on their sizes, I am glad that we didn't put them in preschool this year. I think next year will be better for everyone! Travis giggles with pride every time I tell him that the kids have big heads. Just because Travis has a big head doesn't mean that I can't hope they grow into them a little more! Benny's skin looked terrible when we went in so the doctor has referred us to a pediatric dermatologist. The bad news is that the closest one is about an hour away, but the good news is that we live in a big enough area that there is one that close! Lauren failed her vision test. The doctor assured me that it was probably a false positive because they were having trouble getting her to hold still, but I can't help but wonder if that is why she asks me where Jack is even when he is sitting right next to her!

Yin And Yang

Thank goodness that the good balances out the evil in this world! I dropped Jack off at vacation bible school this morning then headed off to my errands with Ben and Lauren in tow. Our first stop was Joann’s fabrics for a cat costume pattern for Jack's Halloween costume. As I quickly flipped through the pattern books Ben and Lauren bickered back and forth. They were fussing and I was trying my best to calm them, hurry and ignore them all at the same time. The old lady at the fabric-cutting desk actually left her post to come around the corner to check out the commotion. She gave me the evil eye and I sheepishly admitted that they were fighting and apologized for disturbing her, this is when all hell broke loose.

Me: Sorry, two 2-year-olds are not good shopping partners
Rude Old Hag: (loudly huffed and turned around)
Me: (that tore it!) Excuse me! Excuse me! Do you have twins?
Rude Old Hag: (turning back around) No
Me: Then don't judge me until you have walked a day in my shoes!

I will admit I lost it, but what a bitch! There was another mother standing nearby to witness the entire exchange. The other mother couldn't believe how rude she was either. It was nice to have someone confirm that I wasn't crazy! I found my pattern and left as quickly as possible, and then it was off to the next errand. I needed some cheap jewelry for a specific outfit so I ran over to Sam Moon. I easily found exactly what I needed and rushed to the checkout in order to avoid another scene. Lauren started to fuss while we waited in line so as soon as the friendly oriental clerk handed me my bag I handed it off to Lauren to quiet her down. It worked for Lauren, but it upset Ben, he wanted a bag as well. The nice little clerk saw this all going down and she quickly handed me another bag for Ben. It was just what I needed after the incident at Joann’s!

Do Not Try This At Home

I started up the stairs yesterday to put Ben and Lauren down for their naps and noticed a green tint to my cream colored stairs. Not exactly green, more of a turquoise green, say the color of a Pampers box. That's right, Travis' fun game of ride the box down the stairs has created a green path down the center of my staircase. Do not try this at home, I repeat, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME...unless of course you already have green carpet!

Oh What Fun It Is To Ride In A Diaper Box?

With all of the new birthday toys this is what the kids chose to do this morning.

The Party

The Dora and Diego party came off without a hitch. While the adults enjoyed frozen margaritas and sangria I gave the kids virgin margaritas. The virgin drinks were hit and miss, my boy Benny loved them, but many of the kids just abandoned their drinks in the yard. I guess they are learning a valuable party rule early; if the hostess gives you something you don't like, just walk away with a smile and drop it somewhere far away! We had a taco bar for dinner complete with all the fixin's (see I am becoming a Texan). My friend who is a gourmet cook even asked me how I prepared the chicken! I had to admit it was from one of the little packets, but I guess it was good! The cake was beautiful thanks to Ms. Trisha!!

Ben and Lauren opened their gifts and made their mommy proud by appreciating each and every gift as they opened it. Even when they got clothes (which I requested!) Lauren wanted to take off her outfit right then and there and try them on! The party continued late into the evening with the company of our best buddies, the boys played cards and the girls hung out in the kitchen.

The best present of all was Mr. Potato Heads! Ben and Lauren each got their own head and two outfits. I didn't realize that Mr. Potato Head had accessories, but apparently I have been missing out. Jack had a head, but only the generic accessories that come with it. All three kids sat in a circle sharing the accessories and decorating their own heads for 30 minutes!

Gasoline

Coming out of the bathroom.
Jack: Mom, I need you to feel my forehead.
Me: (feeling his forehead) you feel fine to me.
Jack: My forehead is hot!
Me: Here feel mine, it is hot too, do you feel okay
Jack: (feeling my forehead) No
Me: What's wrong?
Jack: I've got gasoline
Me: You mean toots?
Jack: No! Look in the toilet!
Me: Oh, you have a little diarrhea, does your tummy hurt.
Jack: Nope, just gasoline.

Happy Day Times Two

Today is the day I have been dreading. My babies are turning 2 years old today. It makes me so sad to see my babies growing up and knowing this is the last time I will do this. I could look at the calendar and know this day was coming, but I didn't even need it, the signs were everywhere. From the "NO" to the "Why?" and the "I do myself!” I knew the terrible twos times two were quickly approaching. When the pediatrician told me last week to start giving them children’s Tylenol rather than infants it was a slap in my babyless face! Don't get me wrong, I love them more and more everyday and I revel in each new accomplishment. I beam with pride when I hear their little voices say "lub you mommy". This morning when they woke up I serenaded them with my best rendition of Happy Birthday. As they opened their presents they both kept singing "happy day, happy day", it was so cute. Today we will celebrate by going to the local bounce house place, having pizza for lunch and a pizza dinner with friends. I made cupcakes for all the kiddos tonight, but the Dora and Diego blow out is tomorrow.

I went to the grocery store last night to buy supplies for the cake. The astute checker observed that it looked like I was going to do some baking. I told her that my twins were turning two and that they were having a Dora and Diego party. The crazy old checker actually thought their names were Dora and Diego! The conversation went much further than intended as I explained their names were Ben and Lauren and Dora and Diego were cartoons. Obviously she doesn't have any grandchildren, or she isn't as cool as my kids’ Grammy!

Nice To Meet You

Jack: Mom, when did we meet?
Me: March 13th, 2003
Jack: Was I shy when we first met?
Me: No, you knew me.
Jack: How?
Me: You had been in my tummy for a long time so you recognized my voice
Jack: Where did you get me?
Me: You came from my tummy.
Jack: Yeah, but who put me there.
Me: God
Jack: Why did God put me in your tummy instead of someone else’s?
Me: Because God knew you were the perfect boy for me and I was the perfect mommy for you, do you think he made a good choice
Jack: Yep, I love you all the time, even when you get angry with me

Big Girls Don't Cry

Lauren had her ultrasound and x-rays to check her urinary tract this morning. Based on all of the tests she is physically okay. The only thing unusual was that it took 350 ccs of dye to fill her bladder, they were expecting it to only take 100-150 ccs for a child her size. I guess she will be good on long car trips! I was so glad Travis and I decided to put her under for the test. She cried and struggled to remove the gas mask as the doctor was putting her to sleep. I don't know if it was because I was nervous about the results of the test or if I could feel how scared she was, but I started crying as she was struggling to free herself.

Snuggly Ben

I don't know if it is because Ben has a little more meat on his bones or if it is because of his nature, but he is cuddlier than any kid I have. He just loves to snuggle in and will lie still forever. Jack and Lauren get bored when in comes to cuddling, but Benny can out last anyone, he just won't blink! There is nothing better than feeling his little arms wrapped tightly around my shoulders!