Ticking Time Bomb In Dora Panties

I let Lauren pick out some new panties yesterday. This is a technique I used on Jack when he was two. The conversation went a little something like this:

Me: Do you like these Thomas underpants?
Jack: Yes!
Me: Big boys who go pee pee in the potty get to have them. Would you like me to buy them for you?
Jack: Put them back!

So, I put them back and 6 months later he announced he was ready to go potty in the toilet and we never looked back. It worked so well for me with Jack I thought I would try it on Lauren.

Me: (standing in the toddler panty aisle) Do you like any of these panties?
Lauren: I want Dora!
Me: I will buy them for you if you are ready to go pee pee in the potty.
Lauren: Buy them, buy them!

When we got home she immediately wanted to put on the Dora panties. We spent a couple hours with me asking her every 20 minutes or so if she had to go potty. Every time I asked she adamantly told me no. I even made her sit on the potty and 'try' a few times. After she had two cups of milk I knew the pee pee was eminent. I made her ‘try’ again, but she held off until she got off the potty and was standing in my kitchen before she let go. I played it cool, I didn't want to freak her out and ruin any potential progress we had made. I figured after the incident we would be done potty training for a month or so. But, this morning she insisted on wearing the Dora panties again (I bought her a 3 pack, she wasn't wearing the dirty panties from yesterday). We had pictures this morning and I wasn't about to let her pee in her picture pants so I put her in a diaper and allowed her to wear the Dora panties over the diaper. When she woke up from her nap she realized she was wearing a diaper under her panties and wanted to remove the diaper. I foolishly complied. She wants to wear the panties without a diaper, but she doesn't give a shit (literally) about going in the potty. Again I spent a lot of time asking her if she needed to go potty and having her 'try'. She was a ticking time bomb in Dora panties. I got to clean poo out of her Dora panties this time. It took all I had to not just throw the panties in the trash. I don't care what she wants to do tomorrow. She will not be wearing the Dora panties without a pull up underneath!

Remember The Alamo

Last weekend Travis and I took the kids to San Antonio with two other families, some of our best buddies. We took all 8 kids to the Alamo and the riverwalk on Friday. I had never seen the Alamo, so I figured I should be a responsible Texan and at least stop by. Travis and I were definitely disadvantaged not growing up in Texas and receiving the required Texas history class, we both agreed that we weren't there long enough to figure out what all the hype is about. We then went to the riverwalk and had a mediocre Mexican dinner. I don't know if I didn't enjoy it because I was dining with 8 kids under the age of 6 or if it was the food. Saturday we took everyone to Sea World. Jack, Ben and Lauren all had a great time! During the Shamu show Ben and Lauren sat on my lap so they wouldn't miss a second. They loved clapping and making the hand motions to make the killer whales splash! By Saturday night we had learned our lesson, when we were greeted by a 1-hour wait at the restaurant we decided to get take out. The food was great, I don't know if it was because Ben and Lauren were already in bed and the rest of the kids were able to run amuck in piece or if the food was actually good. We got all the kids to sleep then had some quality adult time with cheap margaritas made in the hotel coffee pot and played pitch. Yesterday Jack asked me when we are going back to San Antonio with his friends, I guess it was a hit with him, which makes it all worthwhile for me!

Killer Kitty And Fat Cats

I saw a couple of the strangest stories on Good Mourning America this morning. The first is the killer kitty at the nursing home. This cat doesn't 'socialize' with the residents until they are going to die in the next 4 to 12 hours. This isn't just a fluke; it has been documented at least 25 times. I can just picture the poor unsuspecting old people playing cards with their friends as the cat walks in "Oh shit Ethel, here comes that damn cat, don't make eye contact!"

Did you hear about the study that says if you have fat friends and family you are more likely to become fat. In the past I haven't been really picky about the size of my friends, but from this point forward I am going to have new friend applicants put their weight on their resume. And, to any of my friends and family (particularly those of you that attend the infamous 'Heavy Weight Picnic') that may have put on a few pounds, you are on notice! I now realize that my recent weight gain is not my fault!

Private Property!

Me: Get dressed Jack!
Jack: Why?
Me: We are going to Derek and Davis' house in 30 minutes.
Jack: The babies aren't sick?
Me: Nope!
Jack: (jumping to attention) WAHOO!

As Jack was changing out of his pajamas Lauren was standing there watching. When he took his underwear off and Lauren marched right up to him, grabbed his penis with disgust and said "Benny's". This really hacked Jack off. Not only did Lauren just grab his privates, but she also insinuated that it was the same size as Ben's. Jack angrily swatted her hand away and said, "It is not Benny's, it is mine, mine is bigger!” Oh great, he is already comparing size with his brother!

This was not the first time Jack's penis has been tugged on, when he was about 2 years old. I had him in the bathtub when he grabbed his penis and asked me what it was. As I was telling him that it was his penis he pulled...hard! He cried and cried, then asked me to kiss it. I didn't kiss it for fear that he would end up discussing the incident with his therapist when he is in his 30s!

Goody, Goody

I continue to prepare for Ben and Lauren's birthday party. Last night while Travis was at the golf course I took that opportunity to work on the goody bags since my plans with the girls were cancelled due to sick children. For those of you who aren't in the know, they are Diego's rescue pack and Dora's backpack. I hate to jinx myself, but so far this morning we don't have any fevers, diarrhea or throw up!

Poor Mommy

Just when I think I might get to do something fun another kid barfs! Lauren was sick most of last week with her infection, when she was finally better Ben threw up and we have been dealing with watery diarrhea ever since. Just when Ben's poop started firming up Lauren blew chow! What are the odds? The kids (not to mention me) have been stuck in the house for a week and a half. Jack woke up this morning and said "I have a great idea, let's invite our friends over for dinner!". It was perfect, I was able to say "that is a great idea, let's do it!" because I had already made plans with our friends. So once again we had to cancel our plans because Lauren is sick. As Jack would say "We NEVER get to do anything fun!". Poor Jack...poor mommy!

Here We Go Again

The little girl across the street babysits when I go to Pilate's. Her mother is always home and I am only 5 minutes away. When the kids need their diapers changed, she calls her mom and she comes over to change them. Except for Monday, her mother had a job interview and she wasn't home. When I got home, Ben was swimming in poo. He had diarrhea and she left him in it. I changed Ben immediately hoping that it had just happened. But, good ol' Jack has become quite the tattle tail and came running over to tell me that Allison said she didn't want to change him so he would have to wait until I got home. When I wiped Ben's bottom his skin actually peeled off with it. Poor little dude. I called Travis and he wanted me to call Allison back over and show her what she had done to him. Then tell her that she couldn't babysit anymore until she can change a diaper. I chose to take a different approach; I talked to her mother. The little girl is an only child and her mother thinks she can do no wrong so I had to choose my words carefully. I told her mother about the incident and she said "oh, that is strange I was over there at 10:45 to change his pants and he had diarrhea then too, that must have just happened when you got home". It didn't surprise me that she would deny that it was her kid’s fault so I took another route and said "Well, I think she needs to work on changing diapers before I can use her at night or refer her to any of my friends". That did it; she said she would work with her, so we will see. She is coming over to babysit today again, let's hope she has practiced because Ben still has diarrhea!

Future PETA Member

Lauren loves to browse through my old fashion magazine issues. Today she found a picture that she was sure was a dog. There was no telling her that it was a woman in a fur hat and scarf, she was convinced it was a dog!

Addicted

You may have noticed that I didn't post yesterday...but, you probably didn't. Jack played webkinz at a friend's house last week and decided that he needed one. I told him he could get one if he wanted to spend his own money on it. I was kind of expecting him to be like I was when I was a kid and say he didn't really want one if he had to spend his own money. But, I discovered he is more like my sister was. He was more than willing to spend his own money. We counted up his $26 in quarters and we were off to Hallmark. The large webkinz cost $14. He stood over them deciding which one he wanted, while several other families did the same. He then announced that he wanted two, which gave me the perfect opportunity to have a little money lesson with him.

Me: Two webkinz at $14 each equals $28, you only have $26, you are $2 short
Jack: But, I want the frog and the monkey
Me: Sorry, you don't have enough money; you will have to pick one.
Nosey Woman: The small ones are only $10
Jack: How much does one big and one small cost?
Me: $24
Jack: Do I have enough?
Me: Yes, but you won't have any money left
Jack: That's okay; I want the tree frog and the monkey

So, we left the store with two webkinz, a nickel and a giant smile on Jack's face. You register the webkinz online and use money to buy food and furniture, etc. You earn money by playing arcade games. Needless to say I can earn money faster than Jack, so he enlisted my help. I cannot stop playing this game that is just like the online game Bejeweled. I am like a recovering addict who has gotten another taste after 4 years sobriety. You see when I was working I played Bejeweled about 5 hours a day. Last night after Jack went to bed (my normal blogging time) I was still playing this silly game...all in the name of helping Jack earn more money!

Barf-O-Rama

We woke up this morning thinking that everyone was finally healthy. Lauren had her antibiotic and is on the mend from her infection. The whole family piled in the car to deliver Ben and Lauren's birthday invitations. When we finished our deliveries, we decided to grab some lunch at Jason's Deli. The babies split one of the greasiest hot dogs I have ever laid eyes on. After lunch we took a two-hour drive, then stopped at the grocery store to buy flowers for our neighbor, who had surgery last week. As I studied the flower choices I got a call from Travis, who was waiting in the car with the kids. I assumed he was calling to ask me to pick something else up, but instead he told me, "come out, right now, Benny threw up". The smell was atrocious. When we got home I took Ben to the bath and Travis cleaned up the car. You really know you love someone when you clean up his barf. If it were anyone other than my husband or my children I would simply hand them a towel!

After I got Ben cleaned up I called Trisha to let her know that we needed to cancel our plans for tonight. I feel terrible for Jack, he was stuck in the house for most of last week because Lauren was sick and tonight we had to cancel his first sleepover. I told her how I was certain Ben wasn't sick, but I didn't want to risk it. I hadn't been off the phone for 30 seconds when Ben threw up again, this time on the family room carpet! I gave Ben yet another bath, did another load of laundry and sat down for a minute to catch my breath. That is when Ben crawled up in my lap, snuggled into my chest and barfed into my shirt. The good news is that none of it landed on the carpet, I caught it all in my bra. Yuck! I just hope this is the end. I don't want to be changing sheets in the middle of the night!

Pissed

I am officially the worst mother in the world. Apparently Lauren has been complaining every time she pees because she has a bladder or urinary tract infection. The initial urine tests at the doctor’s office came back negative a couple days ago, but today the pediatrician called to let me know that they had sent the urine off to a lab that found some sort of infection. Babies are not supposed to get this kind of infection; it is possibly a sign of something worse going on. She may have been feeling a burning sensation every time she pees, thus the immediate desire to be changed. She is now on a course of antibiotics and after the infection is gone she will have some more tests to figure out what is going on.

To Invite Or Not To Invite

I finished Ben and Lauren's birthday invitation last night. I think it turned out pretty cute! They are having a Dora and Diego party, so the invite is Map. I have finished the easy part, now I have the hard part of deciding who is invited. Ben and Lauren don't really have their own friends yet, so it is still just a BBQ with our friends. I started out thinking that I would just invite our friends that have kids Ben and Lauren's age. But, then I realized that the two givens (Anne & Trisha) don't have kids their age, so I started over. Then I decided I would only invite our friends that I have seen in the last month. That only lasted until I told Travis and he mentioned a couple that we have to invite because "you can never have too many friends". Then I started thinking that I would only invite people with kids. That lasted until our next-door neighbor mentioned what she had gotten for Ben and Lauren for their birthday, so I guess I need to invite them. I would just invite everyone, but then I am afraid that people will get the invite and wonder why I am inviting them and assume it is just for the gift. For the record, my kids don't need any more toys! I mentioned this to my sister and she told me that if she is invited to the first birthday and not the second then she wonders why she didn't make the cut. Oh, what a twisted web! I tried to talk to Travis about it last night and I could see his eyes glazing over as I went over my thought process. I need to decide quickly, the party is only two weeks away.

Peter Piper Poke My Peepers Out Pizza

Today was my friend Trisha's son's 6th birthday. It was at Peter Piper Pizza, this was my first experience at this kiddie heaven. As you know, if it is kiddie heaven, it is Kelli hell. This place was like a small-scale casino, minus the alcohol and plus about 50 screaming kids. My kids were no exception. If they weren't screaming with excitement, they were screaming in pain. I have a headache THIS BIG and it has a glass of wine written all over it. All in all, it was a nice party. The kids had fun and the cake was good, which makes it a success in my book!

Potty Time

I have decided it is time for Lauren to make this potty thing work. She flips out the second she pees in her diaper. "Mommy, poo poo, stinky, change diaper” 90% of the time there is no poo poo she has merely peed. Diapers are 25 cents each; I don't change them for one little tinkle! You must tinkle at least twice or poop to warrant a diaper change. Lauren is going to have to get herself a part-time job to pay for her own diapers if she wants to be changed that frequently. Due to child labor laws I don't anticipate her getting hired so I guess it is time for her to use the potty!

She Doesn't Speak English!

Poor Jack has been cooped up all week because Lauren is sick. He has asked me things like "who made her sick?”, "when is she going to get better", "why is she sick?", "Why can't I do anything fun? I didn't do anything wrong!” but this morning takes the cake.

Jack: Is Lauren feeling better?
Me: (knowing full well she is still sick) I don't know, why don't you ask her?
Jack: I can't ask her, she doesn't speak English!

I don't know how he is going to take the bad news about Lauren still being sick; I am not sure how to break it to him. We were supposed to get together with the old playgroup today, unfortunately I had already told Jack about it. I asked the hostess if Jack could come without me, let's hope she says yes!

My Laundry Runeth Over

My laundry room has officially been taken over by dirty beach towels. Every time we go to the pool, beach club or the neighbors I come home with at least four wet and sometimes sandy beach towels. My washer is simply not large enough. I am already on my third load and I have only made a dent! Would environmentalists balk if I invented a disposable beach towel?

You Win Some, You Lose Some

I took some advise on grocery shopping from one of my Pilate's instructors today, she home schools her 3 kids. When her kids were preschoolers she made going to the grocery store a learning experience. Now, I am not going to start home schooling, but I just saw a special on the 'summer brain drain' and decided to take action. I made a list of all of the things that we needed using clip art pictures. Jack had his picture list and a marker and we headed to Walmart. We went up and down the aisles, Jack told me what we needed, I would get him in the general area, then he would find the item, count out the number I told him we needed, then check the item off his list. You wouldn't believe how entertained Jack was. He really felt like he was being helpful. The shopping trip took a little longer than usual, but the look on Jack's face was worth it! Not to mention all of the approving looks I got from the other shoppers. Young and old alike looked at Jack's list in awe. I even had someone stop and tell me what a great idea it was! I was feeling like mother of the year until we got to the check out. Ben was beating the hell out of Lauren as she screamed bloody murder. I did my best to ignore her pleas as I loaded my bags into the cart and paid for my groceries. When I went to retrieve my cart I came upon a woman telling Ben to stop hitting Lauren. Then she looked up at me and actually tattled, "He is beating the tar out of her". Yes, I knew he was hitting her. She probably deserved it; she must not have seen the five-day-old bite mark on Ben's check. Instead of explaining my parenting philosophy I simply admitted that I knew he was hitting her, handed over my mother of the year award and walked out of the store with my tail between my legs.

Brutal

I should have known that the night was going to be bad when the alarm clock the kids had been playing with earlier in the day went off at midnight. No, it wasn't a nice song on the radio it was the blaring beep. I have lost the ability to fall immediately back to sleep like I did when Ben and Lauren were newborns, so I lay awake in bed thinking of everything I needed to get done today. At 3am I heard another piercing sound, but this time it was Lauren screaming. I went upstairs to check it out. She was burning up. I gave her some Tylenol and went back to bed. When I got back to bed Travis had seized the opportunity to take his half of the bed out of the middle. I squeezed in hoping he would get the hint and move over, but he was dead to the world. How he was able to sleep through the screaming I will never know. As I lay there thinking that if I would have administered the Tylenol faster Travis wouldn't have had time to acquire so much new territory. As the saying "you snooze, you lose" crossed my mind, I stopped myself to recognize the irony; Travis was the one snoozing and I was the one losing. The crazy circle thoughts kept coming; I could not turn my brain off. Just as I was starting to relax, Lauren started screaming again. I decided on my way up the stairs that I would just bring Lauren back to bed with us like we used to do with Jack. As I picked Lauren up I could feel Ben staring at us. As so as I started to walk out the door Ben came running after us. I ushered him back to bed and started out of the room again to no avail. I guess they aren't ready for their own bedrooms yet! I decided to take both of them to sleep with me in the guest bed. Lauren laid spread eagle on top of me and Ben decided to use my face as his pillow. Needless to say, it wasn't comfortable. Our guest bed is so uncomfortable I am surprised that anyone comes to visit us. I lay still until I couldn't take it anymore; the bed is so hard my ass was actually falling asleep. I had to move. I slowly did the hug and roll just as it was taught on 'Friends', but it didn't work, Lauren woke up. She was crying "ouch, ouch, ouch" which in turn woke Ben up. Ben started chanting, "own bed, own bed" so I took them back to their room. Ben lay down right away, but Lauren started crying. I hoped she would cry herself to sleep and went back to my own bed too. I listened to Lauren cry for about five minutes when Travis angrily told me she had been crying for an hour. Are you kidding me? I was up there for an hour! She didn't stop crying. I finally took my pillow up to their room and lay on the floor and rubbed Lauren's back. When I finally got her back to sleep and went back to bed it was 5:15am and Travis alarm was going off. He let the alarm go off every nine minutes for at least an hour because "he was exhausted!”

Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner

Tonight I made honey mustard chicken, cauliflower, rice and biscuits. As I was cooking the cauliflower Travis mentioned the horrible smell coming from the microwave. I told him that when he cooked dinner he could eat whatever he wanted. All the while Jack was whining about having chicken again. He is able to put more syllables in "chicken again" than anyone I know. It reminds me of when I was young; my sister and I would always whine about 'diet chicken'. The chicken went over like a lead balloon. Travis kept asking me if it was done, convinced that it was still pink. I told him over and over that it was white and the juices ran clear. Finally he just quit eating it claiming that he didn't want to get sick. I ate the rest of his chicken and as of 4 hours later I am still fine! Since the under cooked excuse worked for Travis, Jack thought that he would give it a spin. He raised piece after piece of chicken asking if it was pink. THE CHICKEN IS DONE CUT ME SOME SLACK! Travis eventually admitted that he "doesn't need to have that chicken again". Tomorrow I think I might serve a turd in the punch bowl that will probably go over better.

Jack Can Hear And Swim!

Jack: What are we doing tomorrow?
Me: Mommy is going to Pilate’s in the morning and when I get back I am going to take you to the ear doctor.
Jack: I don't need any more tubes, I can hear good now.

I guess the tubes did the trick. Tomorrow at the check up they are going to make him some custom fit earplugs so swimming won't be such a hassle.

Speaking of swimming, we had a break through today! Jack and I went to the pool today while Travis stayed home with the babies. Jack actually pushed off the pool wall and kicked about 10 feet. I am so proud of him and best of all, he is even more proud of himself!

Nature vs. Nurture

Before I had boy/girl twins I really thought that kids played with whatever they are presented with. It is amazing to watch Ben and Lauren play; they are interested in the 'opposite' gender toys, but they usually end up playing with the toys intended for their gender. This morning Ben and Lauren came down the stairs each carrying a doll. Lauren was lovingly carrying the girl baby in the crook of her arm whispering sweet nothings to her. Ben had the boy baby by the ankle letting the doll's head hit every step yelling "baby, baby, baby"

Lauren Nicole

When I was young my little sister would ask my grandma (who was a total sucker when it came to her granddaughters) for "a little butter on her finger". This morning Lauren brought me back to those days as she licked the butter off her toast. I had no idea how appropriate her middle name would be when we named her!

Hairy Situation

From the game room upstairs where the kids watch cartoons and play with their train table.

Lauren: (crying) Mama!
Jack: I am so sorry Lauren! Sorry, sorry, sorry!
Lauren: (crying louder) Ouch!
Jack: (sounding frantic) Please don't tell mommy!
Lauren: (still crying) Help!
Jack: (even more frantic) I will help you, hold still...I think I am going to need a little help...

As I started up the stairs Jack was coming down.

Me: What's going on Jack?
Jack: I did a little accident.
Me: What?
Jack: An accident to Lauren, are you mad?
Me: No, what kind of accident.
Jack: Come with me, you'll see.
Me: What do you mean?
Jack: The accident is in her hair. I tried to fix it, but it just got worser.

All I could think is that Jack had another hair cutting incident. When I found Lauren I found the electric Salty train stuck in her hair. This is the aftermath.

Sink Or Swim

I want my kids to do whatever they want. However, I want them to want to be swimmers! My dad was on swim team, I was on swim team and I was hoping to raise a long line of swimmers. When I was on the varsity swim team in high school my mom would sit on the uncomfortable bleachers for the whole meet and my dad would leave the office just in time to make it to my event. My parents never missed a swim meet! I always thought that I would be doing the same for my kids someday. At the rate we are going it doesn't look like I am going to get my dream.

I put Jack in swimming lessons last summer and he cried everyday. I wasn't thrilled with the instruction he was getting and decided paying for lessons was ridiculous. After all, I taught swimming lessons for 10 plus years and was a lifeguard for 5. This summer I am doing lessons for Jack and his friend Elsie. Elsie trusts me and is really trying. Jack acts like I am going to let him drown, he clings to me like a madman! I keep comparing him in my mind to a little girl I taught private lessons to when I was in high school. She was 4 years old and I taught her to dive, swim 25 yards and go off the high board! My kid on the other hand only wants to get in waist deep! But, I guess that should be considered good compared to Ben and Lauren. If I can get them off my lap, Lauren likes to sit on the side of the pool and pour water from one cup to the other while Ben prefers about an inch of water.

Screaming Hypocrite

Ben and Lauren have developed competing ear piercing screams. Whenever they get excited the screaming begins. Jack did a little screaming at this age, but without a companion screaming wasn't as fun. Now that Jack has some other screamers to scream with he has developed his own, slightly lower, scream. These screams are so annoying that I find myself yelling "quit screaming". How am I going to teach them to stop screaming if I am being a total hypocrite?

Jack's Rich!

When we were in Nebraska we stopped by the bank my dad works at. One of the ladies my dad works with gave Jack a coin purse. Jack then took his coin purse and hit up all of my parents' friends for money. He actually made out pretty well.
Jack: Will you help me count my money?
Me: Sure.
Jack: I'm rich!
Me: You sure are.
Jack: I am saving to buy daddy a car.
Me: That is really nice of you!
Jack: How much more money do I need?
Me: It depends on what kind of car you are buying daddy?
Jack: A BMW, Porsche, Corvette, Ferrari or whatever he wants!

For The Record

My kids’ names are Jackson, Benjamin and Lauren. They go by several different names, but there are a few names that are off limits.

Jackson's Approved Names:
Jackson
Jack
Bug
Dog
Dude
Sweetie
Big Boy
Big Brother

Jackson's Off Limits Names:
Jackie

I know it rolls nicely off the tongue, but it is a girl's name. He is not a baseball player (Jackie Robinson) he is a little BOY! It doesn't matter who you are it is not acceptable. I don't care if you are his 90 something great grandmother, his little sister, our neighbor or some random at the grocery store. DO NOT CALL MY SON JACKIE!

Benjamin's Approved Names:
Benjamin
Benny
Ben
Ben Jammin
Buddy
Little Brother
Chubs

Benjamin's Off Limits Names:
Benji

I know it rolls nicely off the tongue, but it is a dog's name and the name of a nerd in my church choir growing up. He is not a famous dog he is a little BOY! It doesn't matter who you are it is not acceptable. I don't care if you are his 90 something great grandmother, his little sister, our neighbor or some random at the grocery store. DO NOT CALL MY SON BENJI!

Lauren's Approved Names:
Lauren
Lolo
Loey
Loey McLowerson
Sissy
Baby Girl
Little Sister
Chick
Girlfriend
Love
Pretty

Lauren's Off Limits Names:
Laura

This name does not roll off the tongue nicely. It is simply not her name. If you call her this I will assume you are hard of hearing. DO NOT CALL MY DAUGHTER LAURA!

Perhaps I am a little fanatical about this, but I put a lot of thought into their names and I would rather them not be butchered. Thank you, the end.

I've Created A Monster

My parents bought Lauren a pink baseball cap while they were in Italy. It is a little big on her and she pulls it down over her eyes, but she thinks she looks great. Personally, I think it makes her look like a trucker. This morning she insisted on wearing it to the neighbor’s house. I told the neighbor, "She thinks she is pretty hot". She immediately put her fingers in the air and said, "I'm hot!” All day she has been pulling the hat over her eyes and declaring her hotness! Watch out Paris, here comes Lauren!

Bye, Bye, See Ya!

Yesterday I took the kids to Walmart and I am just able to blog about the incident now because I was too traumatized. The twins were holy terrors. Ben screamed at the top of his lungs the entire time we were there. It was like a siren announcing our presence in every aisle. They fought over holding the merchandise I was simply attempting to put in the cart. Ben actually tried to snatch Lauren bald. There is a pile of Lauren's hair in the dairy aisle! I will take part of the blame. I should have never taken them to the store during the witching hour, but there is no excuse for what happened next. When we arrived home I got the kids in the house then started carrying in the groceries. As I walked to the door Ben looked at me and said, "Bye, bye, see ya!" and slammed the door in my face. By the time I had put my groceries down to open the door Ben had turned the lock. That's right, my son locked me in the garage. I was furious! My groceries were sitting in the car in 95-degree weather and I was left standing next to the festering poopy diaper filled trashcan absolutely stunned. I banged on the door and Jack came to the rescue. If I would have had any more time to think about it I would have simply taken the house key out of my purse, but I wasn't thinking clearly. Is this a sign that we have officially entered the terrible twos?

Look Mom, No Cavities!

I took all three kids to the dentist today and I am officially tired! Luckily, we went to a pediatric dentist so they weren't too freaked out when I brought my three Tasmanian Devils into the office. The second we arrived the kids went after all of the toys in the waiting room. It wasn't long before the kids started fighting over them. They got us in right away, Jack went first, and he was so big and did a fabulous job opening his mouth nice and wide. Meanwhile, Ben was pushing every button possible and Lauren was attempting to climb up in the chair with Jack. The dentist was a pro at checking little kids teeth. He and I sat on chairs with our knees touching and the kids lay on my lap with their heads on the dentist’s knees. Poor Benny is getting four teeth right now and Lauren just finished getting four, which will explain Ben’s poor attitude right now, and the low-grade temperature Lauren had last week. He checked everyone for cavities and they all look great! When we went to leave it was pouring down rain. Under my breath I said "oh great, there is nothing better than buckling three kids in the rain". The dentist actually followed me out and buckled Lauren into her seat. We are officially customers for life, or at least the next 16 years!

Who's The Fairest Of Them All?

Are my kids beautiful because they are mine or do other people think they are cute too? I have wondered this more than once! I have a friend in the neighborhood that has one of the ugliest kids I have ever seen; she can't possibly think her own child is ugly, right?

Trisha and I took the kids to the pool this afternoon. There were three other mothers sitting together, each had a child about the age of Ben and Lauren. While Trisha was out helping her youngest wash his hands one of them asked if all four kids were mine. I explained that Jack, Ben and Lauren were mine. We exchanged a little small talk and then they went back to talking amongst themselves. I will admit I was eavesdropping because Trisha was still helping her son, which left me with nothing better to do. They were saying how cute my kids were! It doesn't really count when someone says it to your face, but when they say it behind your back they must be telling the truth. It even helped me feel a little better about myself while I was sitting at the pool. I have put on about 10 pounds since last summer and I was really feeling like the fat mom. Operation focus has started again and I am going to stick to it this time! I need to start feeling comfortable in my skin so I don't pass this body image problem on to Lauren.

Honored

This afternoon we had a neighborhood pool party. Jan and Paul live next door and have the pool. Jan is in her late 50s and Paul just turned 60, they are the next best think to grandparents to our kids. I have mentioned our nerdy neighbors across the street, the Terrys, that's right, they are both named Terry. We went swimming at Jan and Paul's, Jack had a great time and as usual Ben and Lauren took a long time to warm up, but ended up having fun.

After our swim we sat an had dinner. The forth of July holiday inspired Paul to tell us about his service in Vietnam. The story that will stick with me for a lifetime is this; when Paul was on his way home from Vietnam he stopped in an airport bar. He was in uniform because he got to fly for half price if he was in the military. The bartender told him that he couldn't serve him because he was in uniform and they didn't want any trouble. Paul went to the bathroom and threw away his uniform as well as all of his metals. He was awarded three purple hearts in Vietnam and the threw them all away. He says he doesn't want them. He will never want them because of the way the country turned their backs on him. I was so honored to hear him tell that story. It is so important that Jack understands why we have our freedom in this country. I am so glad the my kids have Mr. Paul as a role model in their lives!

After dinner we went out and did more sparklers. Once again, Jack was mister fearless while the other kids his age were scared.

Color Me Surprised!

Jack and I were doing some 'table time' this morning, which means we sit at the kitchen table and concentrate on one task or craft for at least 30 minutes. I heard a woman speak about the importance of teaching your preschoolers to sit quietly and concentrate, so I implemented table time. This morning Jack decided on staining sun catchers. As Jack and I sat at the table we could hear the babies playing on the steps. I didn't know what they were doing, but they were quiet and not bothering Jack while he tried to work so I let it go. Jack and I were hearing them tapping on the walls, it finally annoyed Jack enough that he went to check it out.

Jack: OH...MY...GOSH!
Me: (from the table) What?
Jack: You babies are lucky your daddy isn't home!
Me: (coming around the corner to see the carnage) Oh my!
Jack: Can you believe these babies are this bad, I think you should spank them...no, I think you should tell daddy to spank them.

Ben and Lauren had gotten a hold of a stray crayon and graffitied the entire stairwell. I should have taken a picture, but instead I quickly got a cloth and went to work on the mess. Jack was right; if Travis had been home we all would have been in trouble. Of course the babies for the actual act, but I would also be in trouble for not watching them close enough. The good news is that the crayon was washable and I got the mess cleaned up before Travis got home from his haircut. He won't know about the crayon until he reads this post!

Where's The Vodka?

Ben and Lauren have been perfecting their streaking act. In the morning while they are still in their PJs they love to pull their shorts off and run through the house. Today it happened to work in my benefit. I ran out of milk in the main fridge and since the babies were crying at my feet begging I quickly went to the 'extra' fridge to get another gallon of milk. I swung the door open and out came a full bottle of cranberry juice. It broke open as it hit the tile floor. I couldn't help but utter a few choice words. As I grabbed towels to clean up the horrendous mess Ben and Lauren came to check out the scene. When they hit the cranberry juice they both slipped and fell on their asses in the juice. They sat in the juice and cried. I don't blame them I wanted to cry too! Before I reacted, I turned back around, took a couple deep breaths, then laughed about my good fortune...at least they weren't wearing any bottoms and I didn't have any vodka mixed into the cranberry juice yet!

www.funnyordie.com

Have you seen this website? Will Farrell is doing short skits, a couple with his 2-year-old daughter Pearl. She is using choice words and phrases such as "bitch" and "get my drink on". My friend mentioned it this afternoon. Then I stumbled upon The O'Reilly Factor tonight, Geraldo was on defending Will Farrell's actions as Bill O'Reilly went on about how Farrell was out of line. If a parent chooses to teach their two-year-old those words that is their prerogative. I don't want my two-year-olds to say bitch and speak like a gangster, but if the Farrells don't mind hearing that outside of the skit that is their choice. But, it isn't fair for them to expect her to reserve those words for skits. When little Pearl is in therapy in 10 years or so it isn't going to be because she said bitch at two, it will be because she will be yet another spoiled little brat of a big Hollywood star. I normally can agree with Bill O'Reilly, but his opinion is too conservative on this one. I personally found the skits dull, the outakes on the other hand are pretty darn funny!

Jack's Favorite Candy

As I was writing the last post Jack looked up from his movie long enough to ask me what I was doing.

Jack: Mama, what are you doing?
Me: I am writing a story about our day.
Jack: What did you say about it?
Me: Would you like me to read it to you?
Jack: Sure.

After reading the post to him.

Jack: You forgot something.
Me: What's that?
Jack: You need to be sure to tell them that my favorite candy is a chocolate bar.

Mr. Personality

Jack had tubes put in his ears and his adnodes removed this morning. Jack was very excited about his new experience and the prospect of eating ice cream all day. He loved all of the attention he was getting from the doctors and nurses. He was all smiles as we went through his medical history with the staff. He loved showing everyone his puppy and truck slippers. The staff just loved him because he was being so brave!

The anesthesiologist told me over the phone that he had years of experience with children. Imagine my surprise when Doogie Houser walked in. I am getting old, the realization that a doctor my age could have "years" of experience was painful! He was great with kids and explained the procedure to Jack.
Doctor: Do you know how to play astronaut?
Jack: No.
Doctor: We put a cool mask over your nose and mouth and you breath really deeply like Darth Vader. Do you want to go back to another room and play that with me in a little bit?
Jack: Sure!
Doctor: Do you like my hat? (Referring to the required surgery hair net)
Jack: Yes.
Doctor: Do you want one?
Jack: No, thank you.
At this point the poor, young, unmarried doctor looked befuddled. I don't think he has ever been turned down on his hat offer. Travis and I talked Jack into the hat by explaining that it was part of the surgery uniform.

Travis and I sat in the waiting room while the ENT did her work. I was so proud of my mothering senses. When we get together with other kids, especially Elsie, I cannot tell if it is my kid or someone else's crying. But, today when Jack woke up from his surgery and started crying I knew that it was him from the other room. The nurse came back to say only one of us could go into recovery. Travis and I looked at each other to decide who should go in to see him. Travis must have seen in my eyes that all I wanted to do at that moment was hold my baby so he told me to go ahead. I think Travis was really happy with his decision when I told him that Jack had wet the bed while he was out and I had to lay in it! It felt really good to hear the nurses say that he was asking for me! What's better than a brave boy who loves his mama?

As Jack was coming out of his happy land I made all sorts of promises about watching cartoons. When we got home I discovered that our cable is out. The unfortunate thing is that I can't call about it since we haven't been billed for the last 2.5 years. Did they discover their mistake or is the cable just temporarily out? Only time will tell! We have been spending the afternoon watching movies, cuddling on the couch and listening to the rain tap on the windows. I hate that Jack isn't feeling well, but I love relaxing days like this every now and again!

Independance Day

Yesterday we went to a party (I use that term loosely, this couple rarely has more than two couples at their parties, including us, and this party was no exception.) in the neighborhood, and then ducked out early to go to Trisha's. While Travis played video games Trisha and I supervised the kids outside and drank wine and various mixed drinks. When it got dark enough the fireworks came out. Jack was such a big boy, he had so much fun running with the sparklers and watching closely as the daddies put on a show. While the other kids his age were running for cover, Jack was clamoring for more. I am so proud of how grown up he is acting these days, he is becoming more independent by the minute!

They Sucked The Life Out Of Me!

I called the pediatric dentist to make Jack's first dental appointment. I was shamed slightly by the receptionist when she found out Jack was already four. Come to find out I am a little late with the first appointment. I attempted to redeem myself by setting appointments for Ben and Lauren also. This made me think that since the kids were seeing the dentist maybe I should be a good example and go too.

Okay, I admit it; I haven't been to the dentist since before I was pregnant with Ben and Lauren. My name is Kelli and I am afraid of the dentist. I was a little relieved when I called and I was told the next appointment isn't until October. I took the appointment, feeling good that I had taken the first step. The dentist then called this morning at 8:30 and said they had a cancellation and asked me to come in at 9:45. I didn't have a good excuse not to go, so I sucked it up and went. Since it has been so long since my last visit, it took the hygienist 45 minutes to scrape my poor unsuspecting teeth. When all was said and done, I have 3 cavities and need to have my wisdom teeth removed. When I told the dentist in shock that I really do brush my teeth on a daily basis he blamed the cavities on Ben and Lauren. Carrying twins sucks the life out of your teeth. Just add it to my list of sacrifices, right behind the 'twin skin' on my stomach!

No Excuse!

I discovered today that poor Jack has spent the last two years of his life playing with 5 Thomas trains that were painted in China with lead paint. That's right, the wooden trains that I spent at least $10 apiece on were outsourced in attempts to save a buck! Meanwhile, my little boy has been eating lead paint chips. I am officially off the hook for the drinking, canoeing and camping trip we took before we knew I was pregnant. If Jack turns out to be stupid I am blaming the lead paint from the trains, not the drinking I did while I was pregnant with him!

I took the trains to the post office today to send them off for replacements. I quickly filled out my address label and threw the poison trains into the box so I wouldn't hold up the line. I paid my postage and off I went. Unfortunately, I didn't get far. I couldn't find my car key. I retraced my steps just like they taught me on Sesame Street. Nope, it wasn't on the counter where I filled out the label. Nope, it wasn't where I paid. Shoot, I better look in the car. Nope, I didn't leave it in the car. I couldn't find it anywhere. Finally I had to admit to the counter man that I think I put my car key in the box I just asked him to mail. Sure enough, I tore into the box as the rest of the patrons watched with anticipation and found my car key. I was hoping to slink out of the post office unnoticed when an older lady loudly announced "If I would have done that I would have called it a senior moment, I am not sure what your excuse is!" Perhaps I have been the one eating the lead paint chips...or maybe my mother drank while she was pregnant with me!

Surprise!

My sister told her mother-in-law how she wished that she could reciprocate after we took Drew for the weekend, but she was afraid to bite off more than she could chew. Her fabulous mother-in-law offered to help her take our kids! When I first met her I thought she was too good to be true. Now that I have gotten to know her better, I have discovered that she is actually as sweet as she appears to be! She spoke to my MOPS group a year or so ago about how to put the 'sizzle' back into your marriage. She said she is going to include our weekend in her talk.

As soon as Nicole and Debby offered to take the kids I started hatching an anniversary surprise for Travis. The plan was to surprise Travis in the parking lot of his office Friday afternoon. I figured if we started right at 5pm we would make it to our destination by 10pm. Unfortunately Travis had to lay off one of his employees on Friday afternoon, so the senior managers needed to have a late meeting. Travis told me that the meeting would go until about 6:30, so Nicole drove me to his office around 6:15. When we got to the plant, Travis' car was nowhere to be found. I called Travis to make sure he was still in his meeting, fearful that we had missed him. He told me that they were still meeting and would be home soon. We circled the parking lot more times than I can count before I caved and enlisted the help of our babysitter's dad, who also happens to be Travis' boss' boss. He called Travis boss and found out that the meeting was being held at a nearby restaurant. Nicole and I hurried to the restaurant and found Travis' car. I sat in his car and waited and waited. I called Travis again at 7:30 hoping my call would help wrap up the meeting, but alas, it did not. Finally a little after 8pm Travis and his boss emerged from the restaurant. Travis was shocked to see me waiting for him in his car! Come to find out, Travis' boss was trying to stall him thinking that I would be coming into the restaurant. The good news is that Travis had a great talk with his boss about his future at the company; the bad news was that we didn't start our 5-hour drive to Fredericksburg until after 8pm!

We arrived at our bed and breakfast about 1:30 in the morning. It was right on Main Street in a building built in the 1800s and renovated in the last 5 years or so. It was like a little apartment with a full kitchen, sitting room, bathroom and bedroom. The king size bed had the softest sheets I have ever slept on, it made sleeping in all the more pleasant! Saturday we had a late breakfast, explored the shops downtown, and then went to a few wineries. Sunday we took a convertible ride through the hill country and checked out Enchanted Rock before heading home. We had a very relaxing weekend ALONE and best of all Travis was actually surprised. He is one of those people who shakes all of his Christmas presents and knows everything he is getting before he opens it. I think this is the first time in 10 years that I have actually pulled off a surprise for him!