Naughty or Nice?

Jack: What if Santa just leaves me coal for Christmas?
Me: Then I will have to ask you what naughty thing you did that I didn't know about.
Jack: Oh.
Me: Have you been naughty or nice?
Jack: Nice.
Ben: I have been really nice!
Me: Lauren, have you been naughty or nice?
Lauren: Naughty...Wait, I mean nice, NICE, I promise I have been NICE!
Jack: We might all be on the naughty list...
Me: Well, you could try really hard to be nice between now and Christmas and maybe Santa will forgive you for anything naughty you have done.
Ben: I have been nice ALL DAY and Santa hasn't given me anything...Santa is the naughty one!

Zhu Zhu, How Could You?

Have you heard of Zhu Zhu Pets? If not, you are only about a week behind me. A week or so ago my kids summoned me to the game room to see a commercial for Zhu Zhu Pets. I was berated with a chorus of "I want that!", "Me too!", "I am going to ask Santa!” etc. My first thought was fantastic, those look cheap! A Zhu Zhu Pet is a little battery powered hamster that runs through a little maze, has a car, a bed, clothes and a multitude of other accessories you can purchase, if you have enough money. I did a quick online search and found they were one of the 'hot' toys for this Christmas season. I decided to go out the next day to purchase the Zhu Zhu Pets and found an empty shelf where they should sit. I called my mom right away and let her know to be on the lookout for them. Since the first store I visited I have been to at least a dozen more and have called every Target in the metroplex. Not a single Zhu Zhu in town. I have made a point to go into every Walmart and Target I see as I am going about my daily business. Today I went into a Walmart and was told that they haven't ever had any of the hamsters in, only accessories. Are you kidding me? They are advertising the hell out of this little toy, working our kids into a frenzy and there aren't enough to go around. Perhaps they would be better off spending money on manufacturing rather than marketing! If I actually find them at Walmart I will have to hold them hostage until my mom can get to the store too because there is a limit of two. Two Zhu Zhu pets are as good as none to me. How do I choose which kid doesn't get one? I have drug Ben and Lauren in and out of store after store searching for the little rodents. After the umpteenth store Lauren told me "Don't worry mom, if you can't find Zhu Zhu Pets Santa will bring them for us!” Great. Just great. Who taught her this blind faith in Santa anyway? The good news is the pets are only eight bucks a piece, if I could find them. I apparently wasn't the only one who thought, "No problem, I have time, I will just order them online". Well, it isn't a problem if you are willing to pay FIVE times the MSRP. That's right, they aren't available on the normal discount/department store sites and they are between $40 and $50 a piece on amazon.com. Unbelievable.

Red Ribbon vs. Red Wine

Jack: Last week was red ribbon week.
Me: Yeah...
Jack: We learned that wine was a drug. Why so you drink drugs? It is bad for you!
Me: Well, it is okay if you are 21 and don't drink too much.
Jack: You aren't 21!
Me: You're right, I am older than 21, you have to be at least 21 to drink wine.
Jack: You said 21!
Me: I meant at least 21.
Jack: Okay, if you say so...why, do you drink and drive?
Me: I don't drink and drive!
Jack: You are drinking (we were in the car) right now!
Me: I am drinking soda!
Jack: It is dangerous to yourself and others to drink and drive!
Me: It is dangerous to drink alcohol and drive.
Jack: Oh, they should have been more specific!

Update...

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, it has been almost a month since my last confession...ummm, I mean, blog. I have been so busy lately that I have only had time to do a quick Facebook post. Still being busy I am going to give you the highlights from the last month.
•I caught Ben standing on the toilet peeing. The kid actually had the lid up and was standing with one foot on each side! And, to make matters worse, he was in MY master bathroom. There was pee everywhere, yuck! When I questioned him he simply said he was standing up, like a big boy. I have been told that he is brilliant because it would be virtually impossible for him to stand on the ground and pee up into the toilet. I am going to go ahead and encourage sitting from this point forward!
•As the room mother for Ben and Lauren’s preschool class I was at school for their Halloween party. It was a little tricky because, as I requested, Ben and Lauren sit at different tables. While I was at Ben’s table I was listening in on a conversation about what the kids were going to be for Halloween.
Little Girl: Me, my sister and my mom are going to dress up like Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz.
Ben: I am going to be Scooby Doo, Lauren is going to be Daphne, my big brother is going to be Shaggy and my mom is going to be Velma.
Little Girl: Is your dad going to be Freddy?
Ben: No, my dad doesn’t like fun… (I could see the wheels in his little head turning, he must have been thinking, oh no, they aren’t going to think my dad is cool, I must recover)…but, he does like to ride zebras!

•I have been so proud of Jack’s reading. At the end of kindergarten he was a level 3 which was on the low side of average or the high side of below average. I prefer to think of it as the former. After the first two months of first grade he is now reading level 12 books! Level 12 books are the last books for first graders until they are considered gifted! Yes, that’s right my formerly below average kid is now almost gifted. I am most proud of the hard work he has put in. This morning when I came out of my bedroom I found Jack on the couch reading a book to his sister! Man, I love that kid!
•Lauren has been such a pleaser lately. She is becoming the child my mother promised a girl would be. She started out as a needy little thing, but lately she only wants to make me happy. She tries to do everything just like I do and says things like “big girls only cry if they get hurt, right mommy?”
•Lauren: Mommy, are you mad at me:
Me: No baby, I’m not mad!
Lauren: Then why do you have your angry eyes on?
Me: I don’t have angry eyes, what are you talking about?
Lauren: All those lines in between your eyes above your nose.
Me: I am just squinting…and I could probably use some Botox
Lauren: What’s Botox?
•Travis and I are leaving for Arizona Friday. We are going to visit a good friend and meet her new boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a former Marine and does base jumping. So, Travis and I are going to check sky diving off our bucket lists while we are there. I have already called going first. The way I see it is that if he goes first and plummets to the earth not only do I not get to go, but I am strapped with 3 kids all by myself!

Training To Train

A few of my high school swimming friends have had posts on Facebook about getting back into swimming. It seemed like a good idea so I decided to look into a Masters program in my area. I found one that posted their workouts online. I took this as the perfect opportunity to do a few workouts on my own before embarrassing myself in front of people. I decided to start today, I put my favorite old Speedo on and it was about 6 inches too long. I decided that suit was shot and tossed it in the trash. Luckily, I found another; I pulled and pulled and pulled it on. For the swimmers out there, if felt like putting on a paper suit, but it wasn't. It is obviously important that I get back in the water since things aren't fitting properly! I packed my swim bag before I took the kids to school. Swimsuit, check! Goggles, check! Towel, check! Kickboard, where the hell did that go? Fins, I know I had some once... Cap, stuck together in a clump. Paddles, MIA. Pull-buoy, with the paddles. So, I obviously needed to make a stop at the sporting goods store before I went to the gym. I dropped the kids at school and headed to Sports Authority. I got all the necessary equipment and headed to the pool.

I got in the water and couldn't believe how slow I was. I haven't swam this poorly since I was an 8 and under! If someone wanted to time me they would have needed a calendar! When I was swimming in highschool I found a lot of motivation from my fellow teammates working out with me. Unfortunately, the only one swimming with me was a woman twice my age and twice my weight! This woman did have a talent, it just wasn't swimming fast. She was able to swim breaststroke without getting her hair wet! I continued to swim my workout and the longer I went the better I felt, I was getting back in the groove. Then I felt someone staring at me. I looked up and there was a creepy man sitting in the hot tub watching my every move. Hmmmm, maybe I am not doing as well as I thought I was. Why is he staring at me? Am I doing something wrong? Does my stroke look that bad? It has been nearly 20 years. Wait a minute, I have not water tested this suit in years. Can he see through my suit? Dear God!! I spent the rest of my workout low in the water for fear that I was giving a free show! It took me an hour and 15 minutes to swim a 2500 yard workout. That is less than half what I did in an hour when I was in highschool I was thankful that it took me so long because the pool area was clear before I headed to the locker room. I took a good look in the mirrow when I got to the locker room and I am happy to report that he wasn't staring at me because my suit was see-through! I am still not sure what he was looking at, but at least I know what it wasn't! My shoulders are sore, my ankles are sore, my legs feel like Jell-o and I feel great! I can't wait to swim on Monday!

Early Halloween

Lauren: Mommy, you ran a red light!
Me: No, I didn't.
Lauren: Was it just a green light in a red light costume?

I Like Big Butts and I Can Not Lie!

I had Ben and Lauren at Walmart to grab a couple things. It reminded me why I like to get my shopping done while they are at school. I noticed a Walmart employee with an unusually large rear end. What was strange was the size of her butt compared to the rest of her body. I am not saying her body was small, I am just saying her hiney was too big! So, I can't blame Lauren when she made the observation. I am just glad we were out of ear shot of the woman.

Lauren: Did you see that lady with the giant bottom?
Me: (lying through my teeth, in hopes of ending the conversation so the other Walmart employee walking next to us wouldn't over hear us) No.
Lauren: Well, she works here and she has a giant bottom, why didn't you see it?

Now the young male Walmart employee is chuckling under his breath.

Me: (to the young guy) Not funny!
Walmart guy: Depends on who you are.

After we were away from the employee I tried to discuss the situation with Lauren.

Me: How would you feel if someone said you had a giant bottom?
Lauren: But, I don't have a giant bottom.

Wow, where do I go from here? When she's right, she's right.