Monday, April 28, 2008

Oh Buck, The Sink Is Blooded!

Jack: MOM! Lauren blooded the sink!
Me: Lauren did what?
Jack: She BLOODED the sink!
Me: She got blood on the sink?
Jack: NO! She blooded the sink upstairs!
Me: Can you wipe it up?
Jack: No, it is everywhere, I need your help.

I went upstairs expecting to find a small mess on the sink. Instead, I stepped into a puddle. She 'flooded' the sink! Lauren had put the dolphin to one of Ben's Diego sets in the sink, plugged it up, turned on the water and walked away. Due to Jack and I's communication problems water was pouring down the front of the cabinets and onto the floor by the time I arrived. We had water inside the cabinet, on the floor and seeping into the carpet. This after Lauren and I had already had a discussion about not playing in the bathroom when she showed me the baby bottle she had filled with water. The water play is all too familiar. When Jack was about this age we had all sorts of water problems. The Hokey Pokey Elmo went swimming in the fish tank, and then he attempted to resuscitate him on my upholstered ottoman. We thought Elmo had come out okay, and then he started singing in the middle of the night so he went to the toy heaven made so famous by the Velveteen Rabbit and Toy Story.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

There's No Crying In Baseball

Last night was little league night at our local AA baseball team. This was the first game we have taken Ben and Lauren to and if I have my way, the last for several years. Jack got to stand on the field in his uniform during the national anthem. He did us proud and removed his hat and covered his heart with it just as we instructed. I sat down with the kids and Travis went to buy the traditional stadium hot dogs. The vendors were swarmed by hundreds of fathers doing the same thing. Meanwhile I was stuck herding cats. Ben went one way, Lauren would go the other as Jack got on and off his seat each time it flipped up it hit me in the funny bone. Two innings later Travis and the sacrificial dogs arrived. Ben and Lauren ate the hot dog and left me holding the bun. I thought things were looking up, I had my beer AND another cat herder to assist me. It was about this time a cold front blew through. Did I bring jackets for the kids? Nope. Lauren did her best to climb inside of me. Kicking my beer and sloshing a valuable sip every three seconds. By the 5th inning we were all huddled together in 2 1/2 seats, only using half of the seats we purchased. My beer was gone and so was my sense of humor so I asked Travis if he was still having fun. He looked at me as though I was crazy, "Yes, aren't you?" Were we at the same game? Obviously not! I had to keep reminding myself there is no crying in baseball! I convinced the boys to throw in the towel early and forgo the promised base running after the game. Our neighbor works at the ballpark and told me that they let the kids run the bases every Friday night. I will be happy to return so Jack can run the bases as long as I have a babysitter for Ben and Lauren and it is at least 20 degrees warmer!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Calgon Take Me Away...

I have been cleaning all morning. Everything was clean on Wednesday when we had playgroup. The other moms helped pick up after the playdate, so it was clean as of Wednesday at 2pm. Since then my children have proceeded to dump every bin in both bedrooms, throw 299 of the 300 balls from the ball pit all over the game room, try on then drop every piece of dress up clothing, throw all of the empty hangers in their closets on the floor and leave cups half full of milk under their beds in hopes of making cottage cheese. I spent over an hour undoing the carnage, dusting and vacuuming. After that do I deserve 20 minutes to sit down and catch up on my email and blogs? I think so! While I am doing that I can hear the heathens tearing their bedrooms apart again. WTF! If it is more fun to play in a clean room, why do they continue to trash it day after day? The only break they are taking in their destruction is to tattle on each other. When I shagged them out of their rooms they took it upon themselves to jump on my furniture. It is Saturday, WHERE IS YOUR FATHER?!?!

Friday, April 25, 2008

The Bigger Mom

I have been going to the gym pretty regularly for the last couple of months. During that time I have met some of the other 'regulars' and make small talk with them before and after various classes and while we are picking up our kids from childcare. There has been this one mom that I have noticed in almost every class I am in, but she never says hello. She has a friend that goes to most of the classes with her; I have met her and talk to her several times a week. But the skinny girl with the barrette always seems too good to make eye contact with me. This is not the kind of meat market gym I went to in high school...well, maybe it is but it isn't a meat market in the classes or around the cardio machines...you don't need to avoid eye contact for fear someone will get the wrong idea. I am another mom, not a lesbian looking for a good time! So anyway, being the catty bitches my friends and I are we have been discussing what must be wrong with her to not want to be friendly to us!

The other day I was walking out of the gym with Ben and Lauren (Jack was at school) and I saw skinny barrette girl holding her baby talking to a tow truck driver. I decided to be the bigger mom.

Me: You don't know me (because you have been too good for me up until this point, but I left that out) but I see you in several classes. Do you guys need a ride some where, I have an extra car seat?"
SBG: No, I locked my baby in the car. I am Amanda, what is your name?
Me: (oh, you are one of us!) You must have been freaking out! I'm Kelli, nice to meet you.
SBG: That was really sweet of you to offer! I think I have missed the cycle class by now, are you going?
Me: (yes, it was sweet of me, I am the bigger mom...) No, I am not going I have a bunch of errands to do (but I am never too busy to help a fellow mom in need, remember I am the bigger mom) so I just did cardio so I could get on my way.

It felt good to do the right thing. She actually is a nice girl. She must just be shy. I feel a little bad talking about her, but I think I have redeemed myself. The moral of this story, treat people the way you would want to be treated and eventually they will realize how excellent you really are!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I Want My Mommy!

The fact that I still get pimples should really be enough. I don't deserve any childhood diseases. But, what did I end up with? Hand, Foot and Mouth disease. I am blaming this deficient immune system that I have due to the Tysabri I have to take for my MS. Which by the way, I just got a letter today from my neurologist that said the Tysabri might cause liver damage. That coupled with the three children that drive me to drink has me looking into what I need to do to get on the transplant list, stat! Anyway, I have blisters on my throat and the inside of my lips that feel a lot like a canker sores. The tiny blisters on my feet make walking on my tile floors nearly unbearable and the blisters on the tips of my fingers make the smallest tasks like typing this blog and buttoning my son's shirt for picture day excruciating. The good news is that although the disease is very contagious among ankle biters, it really isn't among adults because it is passed through saliva and mucus. It is very rare that I put other people's toys in my mouth, so all of my friends are safe! I read online that HFMD (hand, foot, mouth disease) is often misdiagnosed as strep throat. I am assuming that when we took Ben to the ER a few weeks back that he actually had HFMD not strep since they didn't do a strep test. Then when Travis went into the doctor last week and said he had a sore throat and his son had strep, he was treated for strep even though his strep test came back negative. Guess what? I bet he has it too. And, that is what I get for swapping spit with Travis! I have learned my lesson. And poor me, I am bearing the brunt of it having it on my hands and feet because of this damn immune disorder! So, if you were wondering how your toddler felt when he had HFMD I am glad I was able to put it into words for your rather than just cry and put my hands in the air to be held. But, if you are reading this mommy, I want up!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Benny's The Best

Lauren and Jack have been a couple of pills lately. But, just as my mother always told me, the reason you have more than one child is because when one is being really rotten you usually have one that is being good. Lately, Benny is the good one. Here are just a few excerpts of his cuteness lately.

Me: Come on buddy, let's go!
Ben: Me not buddy, me Benny.
Me: Can I call you buddy?
Ben: No, Jackie buddy. Me Benny.

Ben: (ripped a huge burp)
Me: What do you say Benny?
Ben: I tooted out of my mouth!
Me: That is a burp, what do you say?
Ben: EX-CUUUUSE ME!

Me: What is all over your face?
Ben: (coming at me with a huge smile and chocolate pudding from ear to ear) A SMILE!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Just A Little Mistake

Me: Lauren, what is in that cup? (a toy from her tea set)
Lauren: (long pause) Water.
Me: Did you get that from the bathroom?
Lauren: (another long pause) Yes.
Me: Are you allowed to play in the bathroom?
Lauren: (another long pause) No.
Me: Why were you playing in the bathroom?
Lauren: I am just making a little mistake.

How can you get mad at a 2 year old who says that?

Sunday, April 20, 2008

It's In The Genes

Jack: Mommy, will I be taller than daddy some day?
Me: Probably, as long as you eat your vegetables.
Jack: Why?
Me: You have my tall genes.
Jack: But, my jeans aren't as tall as yours.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Future Mountain Climber


This afternoon the kids and I went to the art festival in my sister's town about an hour away. Uncle Trey met us there too! Jack was thrilled because he had another big kid to play with! Jack and Uncle Trey went off to check out the kid stuff while Aunt Nicole and I pushed the little kids in their strollers and shopped.

Jack came running up to me breathless.

Jack: Mom! (pant, pant, pant) There is a rock wall over there and you have to be 5-years-old to climb it!
Me: And, how old are you?
Jack: I'M FIVE!! Uncle Trey said he would pay for me to climb the wall or get my face painted!!
Me: So, what are you going to do?
Jack: I'm gonna climb it!

He climbed all the way to the top. He was so proud of himself. I on the other hand was kicking myself for not bringing my camera. Lucky for me, I could purchase this crappy Polaroid for $5. It is free to get in, but that is where the charity ends!

The Food Chain

Jack: What do we need to buy at the grocery store?
Me: We need snacks for your baseball game, milk and salmon.
Jack: Do you know where they get salmon?
Me: ummm, yeah.
Jack: A fisherman catches the fish, kills it, puts it in a box, you buy it at the store and cook it. That salmon was a little fishy once.
Me: Yes it was. Do you know where hamburgers come from?
Jack: No.
Me: From cows.
Jack: I know milk comes out when you squeeze a cow's privates, but I didn't know they poop hamburgers!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Baseball Bling

Jack: Mom, when am I going to play soccer again?
Me: Well, you are playing baseball right now; we can put you in soccer in the fall if you would rather do that than baseball.
Jack: Yeah, I would rather play soccer.
Me: Why would you rather do soccer?
Jack: I am really good at soccer.
Me: Yeah, but you are really, REALLY good at baseball. What do you like better about soccer?
Jack: I got a trophy when I played soccer.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

If You Were President...

Jack: Mom, if you were president what would you do?
Me: (thrilled that my 5 year old is thinking about this) I would provide health care for all Americans.
Jack: Want to know what I would do?
Me: I sure do!
Jack: I would drive a space shuttle.

Could It Be Worse?

Q: What's worse than one sick kid?
A: Two sick kids.

Q: What's worse than two sick kids?
A: Three sick kids.

Q: What's worse than three sick kids?
A: Three sick kids and a husband who is out of town.

Q: What's worse than being a single mother with three sick kids?
A: Being a single mother with three sick kids who just exposed her friend’s kids to some random virus.

That's right, all three kids are sick with temperatures ranging from 102.6 to 100.0. My friend Trisha came over tonight with her two boys since Travis is out of town. The kids made their own dinner (Power Up Pasta from the Disney cookbook) while Trisha and I had fish and wine (just like Jesus!). Towards the end of the evening Ben was being a little clingy, both Trisha and I felt him and thought he was a little warm. After everyone left I took Ben's temperature 102.6. While I was putting on Lauren's jammies I took her temp for good measure 100.0. I figured I ought to take Jack's temp in hopes that we weren't looking at a trifecta and got a temp of 101.2. Awesome. Looks like I will be getting up every three hours so the temps don't get too high. Tomorrow will be great. Cancel Pilates. Cancel playgroup. Cancel the gym. Cancel anything I want to do. Boo, hiss.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I've Got It!

Thanks to a comment from Crystal I have figured out what I am going to do about my diaper dilemma. I am going to teach Ben and Lauren (who will be 3 in August) to change each other's diapers. I am done changing diapers. Perhaps they would be motivated if they had to change poopy diapers. Or worse yet if they have someone who isn't as careful as mommy changing their diaper. Now I just need to figure out who is going to pay for the diapers they will be using! I didn't end up signing them up for summer school because I can't get my money back if I have to pull them out because they aren't potty trained. I figure if they get potty trained I will sign them up and if it is full by then it wasn't meant to be. Lauren wants to go to school like Jack really bad, but when I tell her that she has to go potty in the toilet she is out.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Good Man In The Making

Attention all 5 year old girls! I have the absolute best husband in the making. Jack has been cooking for us from the Disney cookbook I got him for his birthday. This morning we had pancakes with strawberries, bananas and a cool whip/vanilla yogurt concoction on top and tonight we had hamburger calzones with molten chocolate cake for dessert. Last week he made sloppy dogs (aka sloppy joes) and fruit salad with chocolate pudding parfaits for dessert. Ben is even eating it and he never eats! Jack even cleans the house. He helped me clean all afternoon. His favorite chore is toilets. That’s right girls; he cooks AND cleans toilets! For most girls a guy that cooks and cleans is enough, but he is also handsome and very charming. I am really proud of what a great kid he is becoming. I would love to take all the credit, but if I did that I would have to take the entire fault for Lauren spitting on Ben's head while I was typing this.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Stinky!

Ben: Are you pooping Lolo?
Lauren: Yeah.
Ben: Get your pants changed, you stinky!
Lauren: Me not done.
Ben: Get away from me, you stinky!
Lauren: No!
Ben: Yes!
Lauren: NO!!
Ben: YES!! You STINKY!
Lauren: Me not stinky, me just pooping.
Ben: YOU STINKY! GET AWAY FROM ME! Tell mommy to change your pants.

Clearly these children are ready to be potty trained. What am I doing wrong? Why can't they be more like Jack?

Everyone's A Winner!





The first baseball game was great! I was proud of both of my boys! Jack had a great game and Travis was a great coach. The games are similar to watching snow melt or paint dry, but at least the kids are cute. Each team bats 6 kids per inning then they switch. The coach pitches three balls; if the batter misses he gets to hit off the tee. When the player gets a hit he runs one base at a time until the final batter who runs all the way home. There is no score kept, but I guess they technically tie since everyone comes home. Jack hit from the pitch, after he hit the ball he was so stunned that he just stood at home plate for a second. Lucky for him, the other team was a little stunned too, so he beat the throw to first. Yeah Jack! Soccer wasn't really Jack's game, but I think baseball has definite promise!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Take Me Out To The Ballgame

Jack: Today is going to be the best day of my life!
Me: Great! Why is that?
Jack: Well, today is my first baseball game!
Me: That's right, it will be a great day!
Jack: Are you coming to my game?
Me: I wouldn't miss it!
Jack: Are the babies coming too?
Me: They wouldn't miss it either!
Jack: Are you going to buy them cotton candy at my game?
Me: I don't think they sell cotton candy at your game.
Jack: Of course they do! They sell cotton candy at the Rangers. They sell cotton candy at all baseball games!

Three Thousand Seven Hundred Ninety-Six

The average American baby uses 3,796 diapers in the first two and a half years of life. I got this interesting fact from Good Morning America this morning. It was a segment about the "Human Footprint", what each 'average' American uses in a lifetime. It was meant to get you thinking about how each individual can "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle". Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get past the 3,796 diapers per baby. Three thousand seven hundred ninety-six! 3,796 x 2 = 7,592 diapers in the past 2.5 years. Our diapers cost roughly 25 cents per diaper, which is $1898...,Wow! Worse yet, according to my calculations I have personally changed 7,490 diapers in the last two and a half years. I have to give the other diaper changers credit, my mom has probably changed around 100 diapers during her visits and my lovely husband has changed at least 2 diapers. It is time for these babies to use the toilet! I consider myself a diaper-changing expert, but I would say it takes me 90 seconds on average to change a diaper. Some less, some more depending on the amount and consistency of the fecal matter! If I multiply 90 seconds by the 7,490 diapers I have changed, I have spent 187 hours and 15 minutes of the last 2.5 years changing diapers. Next time Travis asks me what I have done all day I am going to throw out that statistic!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Va-Jean-no...Oh No!

Jack: Ashley said Va-Jean-no today at school.
Me: What is a Va-Jean-no? (Knowing full well he was referring to the va-jay-jay)
Jack: I don't know. I was hoping you would.
Me: Hmmm...I have never heard the word Va-Jean-no before.
Jack: Me neither.
Me: Did Ashley get in trouble?
Jack: Ms. Deb said we don't say that.
Me: It was probably because she was talking nonsense.
Jack: No, we are allowed to talk nonsense at school even though you and daddy don't like it.

He is only five! Does he really need to know what a vagina is? Is he going to be the laughing stock of kindergarten if he doesn't know? He is aware of the word 'penis', but we really haven't used the word vagina in our house. Lauren still refers to her whole area as her "bottom" or her "poopoo" and I am fine with that. Is it time to give Jack an anatomy lesson or is he still too young?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Yum....Retard Sandwiches...My Favorite!

So, I had retard sandwiches for lunch. Travis took Jack to the Dallas Auto Show and I took Ben and Lauren to McDonalds with friends for lunch and play. When we got home Travis informed me that he would be taking Jack to play baseball so I ran Ben and Lauren to Walmart to by newspapers so I could clip coupons to buy our weekly groceries. I allowed Ben to bring the new Hummer that Jack had brought him home from the auto show and Lauren to bring her new Hummer (from the auto show) and her Wendy doll (from Bob the Builder). We grabbed our 4 newspapers, straws and salsa then headed to the computer department to see if the had an AC adapter for my Dell (no such luck). When we got to the express check out with our limited purchases Ben discovered he had lost his Hummer. What was I thinking allowing him to bring the freaking Hummer in? I grabbed our four Sunday papers, 100 flexible straws and an 8lb 10oz jug of salsa that weighted at least 96 pounds and retraced our steps looking for the Hummer. We back tracked as my fingers were about to be amputated by the weight of plastic sacks tearing through them. I tried to keep Ben and Lauren by my side during our recovery mission but we had relinquished our cart (remember the retard sandwich I ate for lunch?) and they were enjoying their newfound freedom. As we searched for the toy, I lost Ben. Great, as I was searching for the FREE Hummer I lost my 2-year-old. I tried to explain the seriousness of the situation to Lauren, telling her to keep up as we changed the focus of our mission and searched for Ben. I found Ben, then realized that I had lost Lauren. Screw the free Hummer! I found Lauren, I had both kids, so we were out of there. What was I thinking allowing them to bring toys into the store? I know better. Then I am losing kids looking for a free toy. What? Am I insane? The Hummer is gone. I have threatened Jack with his life if he mentions the damn car. Hopefully we won't have to think about it again.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Fever - In The Morning, Fever All Through The Night

We kept the kids up until 9:30 last night so we could give Ben one more dose of Tylenol before we put him to sleep. Besides my sleeplessness due to constant coughing, all was going well, or so we thought, until around 3:30am when we heard poor Benny throw up. As Travis approached Ben's bed the squish of partially dried vomit between his toes (hehehe, better him than me!) told us this wasn't the first time he had thrown up. The poor kid ralphed on the floor between 9:30pm and 3:30am, then again at 3:30am in his bed. Travis went to work on the sheets as I attacked the carpet. We are like a well-oiled machine cleaning up puke in the middle of the night. We have had way too much practice. While Travis was taking care of the laundry I took Ben to the tub. He was so excited to take a bath he took his pajamas and diaper off while I was filling the tub. Before I knew it he had jumped in and left a skid mark about 18 inches long in the tub. That's right, he had poop in his diaper. Awesome. I drained and cleaned the tub. As I was refilling the tub with water Travis came in to check on us. He innocently asked, "How's it going?” This is when I went from well-oiled to cranky. "Great, just great" I respond with a healthy dose of sarcasm. I went back to Ben and Lauren’s bedroom to find Lauren sitting on the foot of her bed with the lights on. “Mommy, I want to go to sleep,” she said in her most pathetic little voice. “Go ahead and lay down baby” “I can’t, you are being too loud and the lights are on”. Point taken, I quickly took Ben's temperature, it was 102.7, before putting him back to bed with another dose of Tylenol. We crossed our fingers and hoped this would be the last time we got up before morning. At 8am Ben woke up with a 104.9 fever. Yikes! We have friends of the family that are still caring for their adult child that became brain damaged after a high fever when she was around 4 years old. Needless to say we were scared. We gave him another dose of Tylenol, put him in a cool tub and called the on-call nurse. I got him out of the tub as I was talking to the nurse; his temperature had only come down to 104.6 after 20 minutes. The nurse told us to head to the ER. I took Ben while Travis stayed home with Lauren and Jack. When Ben and I got there we were taken to triage right away. They went through the standard questions, when did the fever start? what have you done?, when is his birthday? Apparently, I was pretty freaked out when they were asking the questions because I told the nurse his birthday was 8/5/05. A few minutes later admissions came in and asked if he was born at that hospital. "Yes" I said, thinking why does that matter? "I have that he was born on 8/3/05,” the lady questioned trying her best not to give me a judgmental look. There goes my Mother Of The Year award; I can't remember my kid's birthday under pressure. They gave Ben a little Motrin then the doctor examined him. He has strep throat. They had us wait for a chest X-ray. The doctor said that would determine which antibiotic they would put him on, but I am convinced it was to help pay for their fancy X-ray machine that can be wheeled from patient to patient in the ER. The guy next to us with gout even got an X-ray of his foot. I don't know, I'm just sayin'... His chest is clear so they sent us on our way with a prescription. By this point the Motrin had kicked in and Ben was a new kid. He was running around the room laughing. As I carried him out of the ER he was saying "bye, bye, we are going to Chuck E. Cheese, see ya later!"

I learned a couple important pieces of information this morning. Number 1, when your child has a high fever never put them into a cool bath. The nurse said that it is the fluctuation in body temperature, not how high the temperature is, that causes a child to have a seizure. Wow, I had never heard that! Even the on call nurse said to give him a cool bath. Good to know. Glad I didn't have to learn that the hard way! Number 2, Motrin works better to bring down a fever than Tylenol. Hmmm, I thought the exact opposite. When your kid has a high fever it is best to give them Motrin and something cool to drink to bring down the fever. This has been a public service announcement. You. Are. Welcome.

Friday, April 4, 2008

Sick Kid Top Ten Plus One

As I sit at home on this Friday night feeling sorry for myself I have come up with a list of the ten crappiest things about having a sick kid.

1. I didn't get to go to the gym.
2. We missed dinner at our friends' house.
3. Ben drenched me in drool when he fell asleep on my chest.
4. I haven't been able to put Ben down all day.
5. If I was lucky enough to rest my arms one of the other two attention deficient children pounced at the opportunity to be held.
6. Children's Tylenol stinks when it is spit into your eye.
7. I was trapped within the walls of my home all day and I anticipate a similar day tomorrow. I couldn't even talk on the phone because I don't have a voice!
8. We didn't get to have lunch and a play date with my sister and nephew.
9. Lauren and Jack were bored out of their minds and decided to entertain themselves by writing on each other's clothes with marker.
10. Travis, God love him, is a nervous nellie and second-guesses my mothering.

And, I really feel sorry for the poor little guy. His cheeks are flush, his eyes are puffy, his nose is running and he just looks plain miserable. I would be really pissed at him for ruining my day if I didn't feel so damn sorry for him!

Texas

I love Texas. I love the people. I love the southern drawl. I love the weather, even when it gets really hot. I love the bluebonnets. I love our house. I love our neighborhood. I love how there is always something to do. I love this place. However, there is one thing I hate! I have acquired the worst allergies since we have moved here. I wake up every spring morning with a nose full of snot. I am now draining at night, which causes me to cough like a pack a day smoker all night even though I take nearly twice the recommended dose of cough medicine. And now, I have lost my voice. I am not just raspy, but a little squeaky too. It is making me crazy! I love to talk. Wednesday we went to a friend’s birthday party at a bar and I couldn't talk loud enough for anyone to hear me. I haven't been able to call my realtor or my banker to check on our latest rental purchase. And worst of all, the kids can't hear me. They whisper back to me as though they think we are telling secrets just because I can't talk loud. When I need to get their attention I can't raise my voice, I have been reduced to clapping my hands. People joke that they like me better this way because I am usually talking their ear off. Just wait, they might like it now, but as soon as I get my voice back I am going to have a lot to say!!

Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Hair On My Chinny Chin Chin

I am getting older. How do I know this? Well let's see; I have parentheses around my mouth that I didn't have before, I have a flabby stomach that won't go away no matter how hard I try, I have permanent freckles on my shoulders, bunions on my feet and worst of all I have a persistent chin hair. That's right people, I have a small mole on my chin that a stubborn hair has deemed it's home. I pluck this little black bastard at least once a week. This morning Jack busted me plucking my little friend.

Jack: Don't do it mom that is going to hurt.
Me: I know buddy, but I can't go around with a hair coming out of my chin.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Do you think that would look good?
Jack: No.

As I turned back to the mirror to continue the plucking Jack had one more question.

Jack: Will I ever have to do that to my chin when I get older?
Me: No.
Jack: Why not?
Me: Because you will shave like daddy.
Jack: Why don't you just shave?
Me: Because thankfully, I only have one chin hair.
Jack: When you get older will you have to shave?
Me: I sure hope not!

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Moo Moo

Jack: Why are we going to the gym again, you already went to Pilates this morning?
Me: Because mommy needs to exercise.
Jack: Why?
Me: Do you want mommy to have to wear a muumuu to the pool this summer?
Jack: What?
Me: Do you want me to wear a pink muumuu or a blue one?
Jack: I think blue would be best! What's a muumuu?
Me: It is a big dress that hides your body.
Jack: Do they call it moo moo because it is for fat cows?
Me: (thinking, 'you are probably right!') No, it is a dress for people, not for animals.

Mental note, don't discuss my body with my kids. I know better!

Dead Dell

Have you missed me? Are you wondering where I have been? Well, I didn't go anywhere. My laptop's battery has totally crapped out on me. It will hold a charge for all of five minutes at a time. I can't take it. I don't like to blog in the office. I like to blog on the comfort of my sofa, watch TV and have a snack. And, now I can't. It is killing me. Do you know how much new batteries cost? More than this computer is worth! So, I need to buy a new adapter stat! As soon as I have the new adapter that I can keep plugged into the outlet by my couch I will be back to my regular blogging activity!

While I am on the subject of technology on the fritz let me tell you about the TV in the game room. This is where the kids watch cartoons and play. Apparently a misdirected Thomas the train projectile hit the volume button on the TV. It is now stuck in permanent plus mode. So, when the kids turn the TV on the volume is fine but it slowly increases in volume until they are sitting in front of the TV with their fingers in their ears. I tried to fix it and it is beyond mommy tech support. Jack has attempted to resolve the problem by holding the remote and as the volume increases, he decreases it using the remote. This is a fine solution, but Ben and Lauren don't have the skill yet. So, if Jack walks away from the TV for any amount of time the volume is beyond a tolerable decibel. So, I fixed it. I have unplugged the TV until daddy can try his tech support skills on it.

New Math

I don't consider myself a mathematician, but I am certainly not math challenged. Today I ran to the local Sports Authority to purchase bases for baseball practice tomorrow. I clipped a $25 off $100 purchase out of the paper on Sunday so I thought I would treat myself to a new pair of shoes since I was spending money anyway. I went in and immediately found my $10 bases. I then found a great pair of Nikes for $40. I needed to spend another $50 to get my $25 off so I found a new sports bra for $32 and a tank top for $20. I arrived at the counter with Ben and Lauren trying to rip each other's hair out. The cashier took my coupon and told me my total was $101. Hmmm...I didn't watch her ring up my items because I was attempting to soothe the savage beasts, so I didn't know what she had done wrong. When I got the receipt I realized my shoes had rung up for $60, not $40. The way Sports Authority handles the $25 coupon is to take a portion of the $25 off each item based on the percentage of the sale. So, to make a long story short the receipt showed the shoes at $47.39. When I pointed out the error to the cashier she called the shoe department and discovered the shoes were miss marked. No problem, they will give them to me for $40. She then tells me that she is going to put $8 back on my card. "What? You over charged me on the shoes by $20 and you are giving me $8 back?" "No, I only charged you $47.39 for the shoes" "Yes, but it was $47.39 after my coupon, I guess you are going to have to return everything including my coupon and try again". At this point the manager gets involved to tell me how stupid I am. My kids are now in the midst of WWF smack down. I asked the manager for a piece of paper and a pen. He obliged, just waiting to prove me wrong. So, I wrote down.
$10 bases
$40 shoes
$20 tank top
$32 bra
Equals $102
Minus $25
Equals $77
Plus tax
This asshole manager looked at teenage cashier and teenage shoe manager and says, "See how much money you just cost me?” Then started to walk away. I couldn't just let that go. As far as I am concerned, it is his store and he should by watching what is going on. I waited until I got my $20 bucks back then told the manager "Look at it this way, I came in for $10 bases and spent $80, I think you are still ahead".