Signing Off

This is going to be my last post for a while. We are shoving off for Nebraska at 5am tomorrow. That is a goal time; we will see how it goes! My grandma would like to have us there eating dinner at 6pm. Not an easy task, but definitely doable! I have sent the kids upstairs for naps, but they are too excited about tomorrow to sleep. Jack has been putting together a mental list of "Must Dos" while we are at the lake...

1. Get buried in the sand.
2. Bury Grammy in the sand.
3. Catch a fish.
4. Hunt for toads.
5. Catch fireflies.
6. Go to the park.
7. Go swimming.
8. Eat nachos.
9. Throw candy in the 4th of July parade.
10. Ride on daddy's John Deere. (Travis restored the first tractor his grandfather bought new and it resides at the lake)
11. Take a boat ride.
12. Watch fireworks from grandpa's boat.
13. Get ice cream.
14. Make a stepping-stone.

The weather has been kind of rainy in Nebraska. We are hoping that will change so we can enjoy the lake to the fullest. If it doesn't clear up I will have to introduce Jack to one of my favorite rainy lake day activities as a kid; building bird houses. My goal is to have photographic evidence of each "Must Do". My parents are planning to sell the cabin when they move to Texas within the next two years. I am thrilled that they will be closer, but I hate that my kids won't have the great memories of the lake that I have. At least if I have the pictures so I can remind them!

Red Liquor

Jack: Where are we going?
Me: The liquor store.
Jack: We had liquor for our snack at Vacation Bible Camp.
Me: You had what?
Jack: Liquor.
Me: What else did you have?
Jack: Cookies and marshmallows.
Me: And liquor?
Jack: Yep.
Me: What kind of liquor did you have?
Jack: Red liquor.
Me: Do you mean red licorice?
Jack: Yeah, that's what I meant!

He almost had me ready to volunteer to help next year!

New Panties

While Jack was at Vacation Bible School yesterday I took advantage of the opportunity to go to Target with just two kids. I needed to get some more panties for Lauren for our trip to Nebraska. While we were standing in the underwear aisle waiting for Lauren to decide between Curious George and Barbie, the Mickey Mouse underpants caught Ben's eye. Ben has plenty of underwear left over from Jack, but he promised he would use the Mickey Mouse underpants so I splurged! I will let you know how it works out after we get back from our trip. Lauren finally settled on Curious George and Hello Kitty panties and we went on to the rest of our shopping. It seemed a little ironic that I was pushing a cart full of diapers and wipes while the kids with me were proudly carrying their underwear through the store like a trophy. As we were going through the checkout Lauren announced that she had to go potty. Great, just great! By the time I struggled to push the cart full of our purchases through the bathroom door AND herded Ben and Lauren in I was in a full sweat. I got Lauren up on the potty and she was only able to squeeze out 4 drops.

Me: I thought you said you needed to go potty? (trying to stay cool)
Lauren: I need a new pair of panties.
Me: We don't have any more panties with us.
Lauren: Yes we do, we just bought some.
Me: We need to wash those first.
Lauren: But, my Dora panties are wet...

I bent down to feel her panties and guess what? Bone dry! That little snot was trying to play me. She just wanted to put on her new panties. I can appreciate her sense of urgency, but come on, cut me some slack!

Don't Go!

Jack: Mom, why are you squeezing me so tight?
Me: Because I love you and I don't want you to get up.
Jack: Well I am going to have to leave some time.
Me: What? You can't leave!
Jack: Yes, I am going to live in my own house someday.
Me: When are you going to do that?
Jack: Hmmm...When I turn 14.
Me: You can't leave when you are 14!
Jack: Can I drive when I am 14?
Me: Nope.
Jack: Can I drive when I am 800?
Me: I guess, if you age well.
Jack: Okay, I will live with you until I am 800 years old.
Me: Sounds good to me!
Jack: Actually I think I will stay until I am 815 years old. That will be better because it is longer, right?
Me: You better believe it!

Damn!

I dropped Jack off at Vacation Bible Camp at 9am, ran to the gym to pick up my cell phone which had been MIA for nearly 48 hours, picked up some pictures at The Picture People, returned some pillows at Linen N Things, picked up a prescription and $100 worth of shit at Target then headed back to church to pick up Jack. Those 3 hours go so fast! I had promised Jack that I would buy him a CD of the songs they are singing, but I didn't have any cash. I checked my newly found cell phone and decided if I step on it I can get some cash, buy the CD and pick up Jack on time. If it weren't for that pesky policeman that pulled me over I would have succeeded!

On an even shittier (literally) note, I think Ben and Roto Virus. My friend and her kids have had the same thing and she mentioned that their doctor said Roto was going around. Now that she mentions it, I am sure that is the problem. I just hope it has run it's course and Jack hasn't gotten it by the time we leave for NE on Saturday!

Potty Break

Potty training is officially on hold for Ben. He has come down with the worst case of squirty bottom I have ever experienced. Yesterday he squirted out of 5 different outfits. So far today he has thrown up twice and had more liquid poo diapers than I can count. I think this is a sign to put the potty training on the backburner at least until we get back from our trip to Nebraska. I am feeling a little defeated.

Birthday Bashing

My friend's little girl started telling people that they weren't going to be invited to her birthday party when she got mad at them. Ben and Lauren have picked up on this ultimatum. When they start it makes me laugh at the irony.

Lauren: Benny's tupid!
Ben: NO I'M NOT!
Lauren: Yes you is!
Ben: You aren't coming to my birthday.
Lauren: YES I ARE!
Ben: No you aren't.
Lauren: You aren't coming to my birthday.
Ben: I don't want to come to your birthday!
Lauren: Yes you do!
Ben: No, I don't!

Should I tell them the bad news? The two of them are going to have joint parties for as long as I can make it work! Last year they had a Dora and Diego party, this year they are doing Scooby Doo and next year they are using their brother's left over fire station party. I know there is going to be a time that Lauren wants a Libby Lu party and Ben wants a super hero party, but until then if they don't go to each other's birthday they will be missing their own party!

Pity Party

Jack: Where are you and the babies going?
Me: To a birthday party at The Little Gym.
Jack: Can I come?
Me: No, just Ben and Lauren were invited.
Jack: Why wasn't I invited?
Me: Because it is Ben and Lauren's friend.
Jack: Whose party is it?
Me: Carson's
Jack: I know Carson can I come?
Me: Yes, you know Carson, but you are not his friend.
Jack: He isn't my friend, but I know he likes me!

Breakfast Of Champions

This morning when I asked the kids what they would like for breakfast Benny answered with an enthusiastic "ice cream!” It sounded kind of good to me so I decided to indulge them. Ben, Jack and I were in heaven, but Lauren didn't want to join in the fun. I told her she could have whatever she wanted for breakfast since the boys and I were having a treat. She picked fish sticks. She is one strange girl. Who chooses fish sticks over ice cream?

Potty Training

Potty training Ben is not going nearly as smoothly as Lauren and Jack went. I don't know if he isn't ready or if he just enjoys being a pain in my ass. Yesterday Ben came down the stairs yelling,

"Mama help, I am potty training on my legs!"

Kelli Hearts Travis

Travis and I celebrated our 11th anniversary last Saturday and as you know Sunday was Father's Day. I have started several drafts about how great Travis is but nothing seemed quite right. I wrote one that talked about all we have been through in the last 11 years, but it was pretty much the same post I did on our 10th anniversary. The last year has been good, but fairly uneventful so I didn't have much to add. Then I wrote a post about what a great dad he is and it ended up sounding cheesy and insincere. I am better at writing comedy, sarcasm and drama than writing about love and admiration. My friends Lisa and Anne write lovely things about their husbands. They usually move me to tears because I feel the same way, I am just awful and putting it into words. Travis got me a great card for our anniversary that sums up how I feel.

We've grown into this life (no doubt about that, we got engaged at 19 years old)
one day,
one challenge, (more than our fair share of challenges if you ask me)
one celebration at a time... (Luckily, we have had enough celebrations to make up for the challenges)

We've become a family
with a crazy, funny
runaround life.

We've built a home,
filled it with warmth and caring, (and kids)
made it a place
where love and
dreams can grow...

And it all begins
with love,
the love you give
every day.
I'm so thankful
for the life we share
and the happiness
we've found together.

How does Travis manage to find such great cards and I am only able to find lame cards with Garfield on them? Oh, I know! Travis doesn't go to Walmart for cards, he goes to Hallmark and he doesn't take 3 kids that are trying to beat each other into a coma.

Dino Deco

We pulled up next to a semi-oxidized red '80s Corvette complete with fuzzy dice on the rearview mirror and a middle-aged man wearing gold chains.

Me: (under my breath) nice dice dude.
Jack: What dice?
Me: Check out the fuzzy dice in that Corvette's window.
Jack: What are they for?
Me: Decoration I guess.
Jack: What other kinds of decorations are there?
Me: I don't know.
Jack: When I get older and have a Corvette, I want to have a dinosaur window decoration.

The kid has style! Not good style, but it is a style...

When Dinosaurs Roamed

Jack: Why did God make the dinosaurs first?
Me: I don't know.
Jack: I bet it is because he knew I would be scared of them if they were alive with me.
Me: I bet you are right.
Jack: Were you scared of the dinosaurs when you were little?
Me: Dinosaurs weren't alive when I was little.
Jack: Yes, they were, dinosaurs were real!

Nacho Typical Insult

In the car on the way to playgroup.

Me: Benny, can you be a little quieter, mommy is trying to drive.
Ben: I am just singing my song.
Me: Well, can you do it a little quieter please?
Ben: Why?
Me: Because it's obnoxious.
Ben: I AM NOT A NACHO!

A Shitty Start To The Day...

Ben running down the stairs exclaiming the good news awakened me. "The airplanes are still on my Pull-Ups!" (For those of you that aren't familiar with Pull-Ups, if the design is still on the front it means they stayed dry) I jumped out of bed faster than if he would have yelled, "fire!” I met him in the bathroom and quickly pulled of the Pull-Up without giving it a second thought. I pulled it off so quickly it turned inside out and a giant turd plopped onto the floor. Before I could stop Ben from moving he stepped squarely on the poop. What didn't stick to his foot was smashed into the grout line. When Ben realized what had happened he curled his chubby little toes and cried in disgust. I couldn't blame him I was pretty grossed out myself! I normally pride myself on my sense of smell, but apparently I don't pop out of bed with all of my senses firing. Lauren on the other hand does. About the time I got the bulk of the shit cleaned up Lauren walked into the bathroom declaring, "I smell somsing!” Yeah, thanks a lot Lauren, where were you five minutes ago. I won't let this stop me. Ben was able to squeeze about 6 drops into the potty last night! I am trying not to think about all of the accidents I had to clean up. I have hope.

He's Coming Around...

I really want to get Ben potty trained before our trip to Nebraska. Not because I am looking forward to a 12 hour drive with newly potty-trained twins. Not because I like to clean up accidents in a car seat. But, because I am anticipating a run in with my grandmother-in-law. She is extremely old school and feels like it is her right to share her opinion with you because she is in her nineties. Travis told me that since I know she is going to say something I shouldn't let it bother me, I should just say "crazy old lady!" and move on. I might be able to say that if she just says something to me, but that is not her way. She feels like she can make up for my parenting deficiencies by trying to parent my children her way. That doesn't fly with me. I am getting hot and bothered just thinking about it and she hasn't even done anything...yet.

Ben and Lauren will be 3-years-old in August and only Lauren is trained. Ben hasn't shown any interest in potty training. I have asked him at least every other day if he would like to wear underpants with no luck. Today Ben used the last diaper. I picked up my friend's Elmo's Potty Time video. We popped it in and sat down together to watch the video. I was anticipating a 10-minute video, after all how much is there to say about using the potty? 45 minutes later even the kids were bored! When the movie was over I gave Ben the choice of wearing Pull-Ups or underpants. He settled on a pair of Bob The Builder underpants, which is a major breakthrough. He didn't want to sit on the potty. After about 15 minutes in underwear I told him it was time to sit on the potty. He freaked. He cried and convulsed with fear. The only way I could calm him down was to hug him while he was on the toilet. I was kneeled around the throne in a puking position. He didn't go. I let him get up. About 15 minutes later I decided to give it another go. I learned from my mistakes. I let him have a sucker while he sat on the potty. It helped him calm down, but it didn't help him pee. I reluctantly let him get up and tried to encourage him to wear a Pull-Up for his nap without success. He went to bed in his Bob The Builder underpants. I knew this was trouble, but what do you do? My banker was coming by so I could sign some documents for the property business during naptime so I could concentrate on the task at hand. 19 seconds before she knocked on the door Ben wet the bed. Actually he wet the floor. Luckily, he was being naughty and wasn't lying in bed like she was suppose to so I didn't have to change his sheets. But I was in the process of pulling off the wet Bob The Builder underpants when my banker arrived. So much for scheduling our appointment during naptime! Ben was not upset about his underwear or the floor getting wet, but he was horribly traumatized about the potty on his legs! He wore a Pull-Up for the rest of his nap. It was wet when he woke up. He is wearing a new pair of Bob The Builder underwear now. He has sat on the potty several more times with much more confidence, but still has not made a deposit. Wish us luck!

Cash Is King

Jack: Look mom! There is the fireman with the boot again!
Me: Yep, there he is.
Jack: Can we give him some money like we did last time?
Me: Not this time.
Jack: Why not?
Me: We don't have any cash this time.
Jack: Well, he is coming right towards us, maybe we should ask him for some of our money back.

The Story Of My Life

I am wondering when my royalty checks will start rolling in. This has obviously been stolen from a day in the life of my family.

Picture This

So my mom has been busting my hump for some time now about not having a current picture of my kids. We have had them taken, but it seems that there is always someone that is not cooperating. I told her that I was going to get their picture taken for Ben and Lauren's 3rd birthday. I had planned to get the pictures done before we head to Nebraska at the end of the month. So far it is looking like I will be letting my mommy down. Ben got a bug bite at the gym last week; just as the welt was starting to go down he scratched his own face. He is still cute as can be, but he is not currently photo worthy.

Opposites

She is a prissy little girl. He is all boy. She has blond hair. He has brown hair. She has blue eyes. He has brown eyes. She is petite. He is average. She loves kisses. He hates kisses. She wants to be a big girl. He is fine being a baby. She only eats vegetables. He only eats fruit. It is hard to believe that they are twins.

The latest? She likes the radio soft. He likes the radio loud. Today they both cried the whole way to the gym. Ben wanted me to turn it up. He wasn't happy unless the rearview mirror was shaking. Lauren wanted it turned down so low she couldn't hear it. I had the radio at a conservative level while they both cried and demanded they get their way. Eventually the only thing I could do was crank the radio up. Ben was happy. I could barely hear Lauren's cries. I had a headache when I got to the gym.

What's For Dinner?

4:00pm Load the kids into the car and head to the gym.

4:30pm Gym class starts.

4:40pm Travis leaves a message on our home answering machine saying Pete is in town, but he has a work dinner so he might go out for a beer with him later.

5:30pm Gym class ends.

5:35pm Gather kids from the Kids Klub and load them up to head home.

5:40pm Travis leaves another message on our home answering machine saying that he is blowing off the work dinner and Pete is coming to our house for dinner at 6:30.

6:09pm I arrive home and listen to the answering machine to learn I am having dinner guests in 21 minutes.

I had 3 chicken breasts thawing for dinner...not enough to feed 6 people. Trav had to stop at the store for more food on his way home. The kids and I had a busy day so the house was a mess. I was drenched in sweat.

I barked orders at the kids to pick up toys, did a quick sweep of the kitchen and jumped in the shower. I don't think I will ever say this again, but thank goodness for rush hour traffic in Dallas! Pete was a little late so I managed to get the house presentable, shower, dry my hair and make an appetizer before he arrived. Just call me June Cleaver!

Potty Training Update According To Lauren

"I am a big girl, I go potty in the toilet. Mommy is a big girl, Daddy is a big boy, Jack is a big boy and Benny is a baby because he wears diapers. I go pee pee in the potty like Mommy and make stinky in the potty like Daddy!"

Lauren hasn't had an accident for two weeks. Knock on wood! It is official, I am not potty training, she is potty trained. One down, one to go!

Big Ben

Me: Baby Drew is awake.
Ben: I'll get him!

Ben went running up the stairs. He got half way up the steps when he stopped dead in his tracks and came running back.

Ben: I think he might be too heavy.
Me: Do you need some help?
Ben: Yes please!

The funny thing is Drew out weights Ben. My kids still consider him a baby because he is 14 months younger, but they actually look like triplets.

Ode To Summer

I once heard a woman speak that said once you have three kids more doesn't really make a difference in your life. She was right! I am watching my nephew for the weekend and I had my friend Trisha's son for the morning. It actually felt easier than just having my own kids. My kids knew that they needed to behave better because we had extra kids. They had more choices of who to play with. The morning went really smoothly. We played outside and had a great time. Maybe I would be more efficient if I had a few more kids?

BBQ Ben

We tried a new restaurant with friends last night. It was a barbeque place called Hoggy's. I get very overwhelmed trying to order at a traditional barbeque restaurant. One, two or three meats? One, two or three sides? Choose from this list or this list, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the food wasn't too bad after I got pasted the initial stress. I did my best to order something my kids would eat. I went with the smoked brats and called them hot dogs. The kids ate really well, especially Ben. After dinner we went to our friends' house so the kids could jump on the trampoline, the men could play video games and the mommy's could have a glass of wine. Benny may have liked barbeque, but barbeque doesn't like Ben. I was holding the poor little guy when my arm felt damp.

Me: Ben did your diaper leak?
Ben: I went stinky.
Me: Oh, that is poo poo coming out of your diaper...lovely!

I got a diaper, wipes and a plastic bag to dispose of the toxic waste.

Me: There you go buddy, all clean.
Ben: Thanks mom.
Me: No problem.
Ben: Me sorry, me poo pooed on you mommy.

I hate changing diapers, but I will keep doing it for a kid that thanks me for changing him and apologizes for a leaky diaper!

Ahhh...

I didn't go to the gym today. Not even once.

The laundry is all done AND put away.

The kitchen is clean and the floor is no longer sticky.

Everyone has clean sheets. You understand that this is no easy task if you have ever changed sheets on a bunk bed!

The kids’ rooms are clean. (For the moment)

I made and took about a million calls for our property management business. We are trying to get two closed and one rented. I am not done, but I am feeling like I am getting a handle on it.

AND, we still had time for some summer fun. We met our playgroup at the local splash pad for a picnic lunch and we are going to try a new restaurant with friends tonight.

I feel a little more in control today. In control, but chubby. Tomorrow I need to get to the gym and maintain the order in the house...wish me luck!

Excuse Me? Did You Call Me Ma'am?

I took the kids to the pool yesterday, I thought I was looking fairly hip. I had evaluated the other mothers in the baby pool (don't act like you don't do it too); I was the thinnest (a rare occurrence), was wearing the cutest suit (the only bikini amongst a sea of modest tankinis) and had the best tan. We were only able to stay at the pool for an hour and a half because I had to go to the gym, so I was trying to keep track of time. There isn't a clock hanging in the baby pool area so when I knew we were getting close I told Jack I was going to quickly check the clock and instructed Ben and Lauren to come with me. The high school age lifeguard over heard me and said "Ma'am, ma'am", he couldn't possibly be talking to me so I kept on my way. "Excuse me, ma'am" I wondered whose attention he was trying to get, but I knew it wasn't me. "Excuse me, ma'am, it is 3:40” Dear God, he was talking to me! "Thanks" I said as I walked back to my post at the baby pool with my tail between my legs.

I know this is the south. I am willing to admit that I am significantly older than the lifeguard. I am not one of those mothers that hit on the lifeguard like the ones that we used to make fun of when I was life guarding a million years ago. But, ma'am? Am I old enough to be a ma'am? I teach my kids to say "yes ma'am" to me, but they are 2 and 5. I am not prepared to be ma'am-ed by a 17 year old for another 12 years!

Slow Down Summer!

I thought summer was supposed to be relaxing. I have been misled by the Country Time lemonade commercials. Summer is like childbirth. By the time summer rolls around again you have forgotten about how hectic it was last year. Just like childbirth, you forget the discomfort by the time you are ready to have a second or third kid. I need to work on setting realistic expectations for Jack. Everyday he wants to know what I am going to do for him. I want him to have a great summer so I bend over backwards to show him a good time. Today we got up early to go to the gym, and then we went to the bank, the drycleaners and the grocery store. When we got home I made lunch and we (me too) took short naps. When everyone got up we went to the pool then back to the gym. The clean laundry pile is taking over our bedroom because I haven't folded clothes in days, the sheets need to be changed and my feet are sticking to the kitchen floor. I don't know if I can keep up this pace for another six weeks!

Why Diapers?

Excerpt of a conversation between Ben and I while I was changing his diaper before bed.

Ben: Ouch, don't pick up my legs.
Me: I have to so I can change your diaper.
Ben: Ouch!
Me: If you just went potty in the toilet like your brother and sister you wouldn't have this problem.
Ben: I don't want to go potty in the toilet. I like diapers!
Me: Why do you like diapers?
Ben: Because...JUST CHANGE MY DIAPER!

He doesn't even know why he is still soiling himself. I don't know where to go with this. Eventually I am going to ask him "Do you want to wear underwear today?" like I have everyday for two weeks and he is going to answer with a yes rather than the "nope" I have become accustom to. Right? Please remind me that he won't go to Kindergarten in diapers! Do they sell diapers that size or will he have to wear Depends?

Popsicle Angst Vs. Popsicle Pleasure

Entitled?

Jack: Where are you going?
Me: The gym.
Jack: I need to get dressed.
Me: No you don't, you are going to stay home with daddy.
Jack: Why?
Me: Kids Klub isn't open on Sundays.
Jack: Well, what do I get to do for fun when you get back?

Since when is everyday all about Jack? Apparently, we have had too much fun since school got out a week ago. We have been to the pool, the beach, the park, ice skating, McDonalds and a picnic and that is just in the last week. When we aren't out and about we have been playing in the backyard with the sprinkler, the water table and/or the slip and slide. We rode bikes, got out the Power Wheels, blew bubbles and drew with sidewalk chalk. Even God rested on the seventh day! Don’t I deserve a little time for myself? And, the funny thing is after naps we are heading to the pool. Rough life this kid has!! I guess I need to stop packing his days with fun so that he doesn't expect me to entertain him day in and day out all summer!