Winter Wonderland

School was cancelled today due to the "worst ice storm since 1980". The kids and I took this excellent opportunity to try out the new sled Jack got for Christmas. Having a golf course in the backyard provides excellent hills, just watch out for the sand traps!

What's That Tat?

Ben and Lauren were playing so nice together this morning while we waited for Jack to get up. Then I heard...

Lauren: Do you want a tatoo?
Ben: Yes!
Lauren: What do you want?
Ben: A dinosaur!

At this point I decided to investigate.

Me: Ben, what is on your forehead?
Ben: A dinosaur!

Where Is Your Father?

This morning as I was getting dressed, Jack came into my room with his footed pajamas that are at least a size too small unzipped.

Jack: Mom, my penis hurts.
Me: Is it because your pajamas are too small?
Jack: No, I can't go potty.
Me: Why not?
Jack: My penis is too big, look. (Before I could stop him he was showing me his erect penis)
Me: Oh, you don't need to worry about that. That happens sometimes when you sleep. Just don't touch it for a while and it will go down.

Stop Thief!

I have been robbed. I innocently took Lauren to the pediatric ophthalmologist this morning based on a referral from our pediatrician. She failed her eye exam in both eyes at her 3-year check up. We waited until we could get on the vision plan at Travis' company so that the visit would be covered. Well, come to find out the vision plan does not cover ophthalmologists, only optometrists. When Travis asked his HR department about the plan he was told that ophthalmologists were covered under our medical plan. In actuality, our medical plan only covers the appointment if there is something medical wrong with her eyes. Just needing glasses doesn't count. At the appointment today the doctor told us that Lauren is far sided, but not so far sided that he wants to give her glasses. So, he just stole $195 for the office visit and an hour and a half of our time. But, to make matters worse he actually suggested that we come back in four months so he can check her again. Look buddy, either she has a problem or she doesn't. I am not going to fall for this $200 waste of time again! Screw me once, shame on you, screw me twice, shame on me! If she fails her eye exam at her 4-year check up we will be seeing the local optometrist for a $25 co-pay.

Am I A Bitch?

It was a beautiful 79-degree day today. I took Ben and Lauren to the zoo with my sister and nephew. When we got home I promised Ben and Lauren if they laid down for an hour while I made some phone calls we would play outside when Jack got home from school. My plan was to sit outside with my neighbor with a glass of wine, but when she dropped Jack off she looked terrible. My poor neighbor said that she had a sinus infection and was getting a migraine. I told her that I had promised the kids that they could play outside and I would be happy to watch her kids while she lay down. We were only outside for about 15 minutes when the negative neighbor with her two naughty boys (5yrs and 8yrs) came home. The nasty neighbor didn't ask if I would watch her kids, she didn't even give me a friendly wave. She just sent them over to play. I try to be neighborly, I'll watch your kids, you watch mine, but the thing is she has never watched mine nor has she watched anyone else’s. I don't blame her for not wanting to be around her kids, they really are terrible. They are disrespectful, negative (just like her), rude and just plain unpleasant to be around. Jack and Ben were riding around in their Power Wheels Jeep which I usually don't let them get out when a lot of kids are out, but who knew that the negative neighbor would stick me with her kids. I set the ground rules early. There are only two seats in the Jeep, so only two can ride at a time and you need to sit properly. When Jack came driving by with the oldest naughty boy in the passenger seat sitting sidesaddle I explained that you have to sit properly. The kid proceeded to tell me that he didn't fit sitting forward. I very calmly explained that he must be too big to play with that toy. The next thing I know he crammed himself into the seat facing forward. Okay kid, you won that round. The second lap around Jack stopped and told me that the Jeep wasn't going as fast as it usually does. I explained to the boys that it was because there was too much weight in the Jeep and told the big kid to get out. I didn't tell him that he couldn't play outside, I simply told him that he couldn't ride in my kids' $400 toy that I know his mother would NEVER replace if he broke it. Shortly after I told him to find something else to do he said he was going inside because I wouldn't let him play. Should I feel bad about that? I don't.

A Day Of Firsts

Today was an emotional, exciting, exhilarating, electrifying, eerie and many other 'E' adjectives day. As you know I got my real estate license. It started as a way to learn more and save money when we buy investment properties. Then as I got further and further into it I became more and more interested in pursuing real estate as a career. My hope is to work part-time for the next two years, then have a thriving full time career when Ben and Lauren start Kindergarten. I already have a listing and two more listing leads! Today I took buyers from CA around so they could get a better idea of what they wanted and what they could get for their money in TX. I had to take Ben and Lauren to Adventure Kids Playcare while I was working. I didn't mentally prepare myself for this day. After all, what's the big deal? I have left them with babysitters in my home countless times, Jack went to daycare the first year of his life, this is only a few hours at a time and this place came highly recommended from several reliable sources. As a matter of fact, the owner is from Nebraska and personally knows one of my best friends. I built this place up like no other. Ben and Lauren were so excited. They couldn't wait to take their lunches in their Dora and Diego lunch bags and play with the other kids. When we arrived the director took the kids and I on a tour of the facility. Before we were through the whole place Ben and Lauren were climbing through the giant indoor jungle gym. I finished the tour without them, and then stopped by to let them know that I was leaving. They each gave me quick kisses and hugs then ran back to the jungle gym. Lauren must have sensed that I was upset (after all she will be a woman someday) and came running after me for one last hug, kiss and a "see ya soon mommy, I love you!” When I got to my car I really thought I could throw up and I had to fight back tears. I don't know why this hit me so hard! I called Travis and got his voicemail. In retrospect it was better that I got his voicemail he wouldn't have gotten it. I called my girlfriend Trisha who was able to talk me off the ledge. Thank God for girlfriends!

Not Scary Fairy

Jack: Mom, is the tooth fairy real?
Me: What do you mean?
Jack: I think the tooth fairy is a myth.
Me: Why do you think that?
Jack: Well, I don't think fairies are real.
Me: Then where do you think the money comes from?
Jack: I think some guy breaks in through my window, takes my tooth and leaves the money, but it isn't scary.
Me: I see. Just because he is called the "tooth fairy" doesn't mean that he is like Tinkerbell.
Jack: Oh, I get it; his name is "The Tooth Fairy" just like my name is Jack.
Me: Exactly...

Moral of this story, never answer a question until you know exactly what they are asking!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!

It has been so cold lately that I have been reminded why we wanted to move from Nebraska to Texas. Jack had the day off school so we went to the gym early before heading to my office to prepare for my first listing appointment.

Me: Come on babies, let's hurry in!
Jack: Why are we hurrying?
Me: It's freezing!
Jack: Look mom, I am breathing fire!
Ben: I am a monster!
Jack: I am a dragon!
Lauren: I'm a princess.
Me: I'm freezing, that's not fire, that is the condensation of the water vapor in your breath.

Stay Alive, Don't Drink and Drive

Jack: Mom, what are you doing?
Me: Driving.
Jack: I know that, but what is in your cup holder?
Me: Diet Mountain Dew
Jack: You are breaking the law!
Me: What? No, I'm not.
Jack: Yes you are!
Me: What law am I breaking?
Jack: You aren't suppose to drink and drive!
Me: You can drink soda; you just can't drink wine or beer.
Jack: Then, they need to be more specific.

When I Grow Up...

Jack: When I grow up I want to be a stay-at-home dad.
Me: That's great, why?
Jack: So I can watch TV all day.
Me: Well, you know if you are a stay-at-home dad you have to clean the house, do the laundry, cook the dinner and take care of the kids.
Jack: Then, I guess I will just be a fireman instead.

Gym Etiquette

To the elderly overweight gentleman in the orange tank top, red running shorts and knee high tube socks at the gym this morning. I appreciate your efforts to make a New Years resolution, really I do. I don't know what diet plan you are following that recommends you eat 12 pounds of garlic for dinner. But, you have to understand that the smell of your sweat and breath is unbearable the morning after. Now that I have made you aware of your odor I hope that you won't be offended when I ask you to never come within 2 machines of me again. I nearly passed out from your odor. I had to lean away from you just to catch a breath of fresh air. I know you are new so you are unaware of gym etiquette. Rule number one; if there are other machines available, leave at least one machine between you and someone you don't know. Rule number two; the gym is not a fashion show, but tank tops are reserved for the men and women who are in good shape, all others should stick to a T-shirt. Rule number three; after you have sweat all over a machine please wipe it down, that is just plain nasty! If you implement these three basic rules the next time you come to the gym you will be less likely to be chased out by the meatheads that were staring at you with distain.

Brotherly Love

Ben: Wanna pway wace? (translation: Want to play race?)
Jack: No
Ben: Wanna pway caws? (translation: Want to play cars?)
Jack: No
Ben: Den whadda ya wanna pway, it's your choice! (translation: Then what do you want to play? It’s your choice!)
Jack: (laying on his stomach ignoring him and watching TV)
Ben: (jumping on Jack's back) Wanna pway sandwich? (translation: Want to play sandwich?)

I just love that Benny, so persistent. He is going to be a great sales person someday, make them give you at least three rejections before you give up!

Benny and the Chocolate Pancake

We took the kids to a local cafe for lunch this afternoon. It is one of those places you can order breakfast all day. Everyone ordered lunch, except Ben. Benny wanted pancakes.

Ben: I want pancakes!
Me: Okay, do you want chocolate chip pancakes or plain pancakes?
Ben: CHOCOLATE chip!

When the pancakes arrived I asked Ben if he wanted me to cut up his pancake or fold it in half so he could eat it like a sandwich. He chose sandwich style so I folded the pancake. Suddenly the kid flipped out. He wanted no part of the pancake. He wouldn't even take a bite. We patiently explained that if he didn't eat his pancake that we would take it home for dinner. By the end of the meal the pancake was still untouched so we packed it into the environmentally incorrect styrofoam box. The kid didn't have anything for lunch. When dinner rolled around I warmed up the pancake and presented it on Ben's favorite plastic plate. Again he flipped out. Travis asked him to look at him so he could explain the benefits of eating his pancake. Ben refused to look at Travis, shutting his eyes and covering his face. Let the standoff begin. Ben is the most stubborn person in this house; unfortunately for him he picked a fight with a close second on the stubborn scale. After several minutes on the steps for disrespecting his dad he was invited to come back to the table to try his pancake. Travis convinced him to try a bite of his pancake. Upon taking an ant sized bite he gagged and spit it out into his napkin.

Ben: I'm full.
Travis: Do you want me to save your pancake for breakfast?
Ben: Yes.

As soon as the pancake was safely in the refrigerator Ben asked me for a bite of my chicken chili. Ben hates the chicken chili, but for some reason that was better than his favorite food with chocolate on it. I had to hold my ground and deny his request. He even tried to eat the crust of Lauren's grilled cheese on wheat bread. I stopped him in his tracks. He will not be eating until he eats the pancake that he ASKED for. This kid is just stubborn enough to starve himself. To be continued...

Under My Umbrella

Lauren: Mom, where is my game?
Me: I don't have it, ask Grammy.
Grammy: I don't have it.
Me: Seriously? I asked you to make sure the kids had their games when they got in the car.
Grammy: I didn't hear you.
Me: Lauren, you need to be responsible for your own game, where is it?
Lauren: I left it at Walmart.
Me: Are you kidding? It is probably gone forever.

Hauling ass to Walmart to see if the game is still there. We checked for the cart we used, but it was already gone. We went to customer service and it wasn't in the lost and found. As we walked away Lauren was crying and I was adding the cost of the $70 Leapster 2 and the $20 Diego game that was in it then dividing it by the two days she played with it. I loaded her back in the car and we continued with our errands. I was hacked.

Lauren: Am I ever going to have a Leapster again?
Me: I can't afford to replace it Lauren it is gone.
Lauren: I am so sad.
Me: Me too.
Lauren: Are you angry with me?
Me: Yes, let's stop talking about it.
Lauren: Well, at least I still have my umbrella.
Me: I could have bought you a new umbrella for $5.96. I think you should be quiet for a while.
Lauren: Why?
Me: Because mommy is really angry.
Lauren: Yes ma'am.

When we got home her Leaapster was sitting on the sofa. What a relief. But, I can't stop thinking that the $5.96 princess umbrella is equivalent to the $70 Leapster in her mind. Why don't I ever learn?