I'm back...

I have spent the last several hours reading my posts from 5+ years ago. It was so fun reliving some of the stories...some I had forgotten they even happened. I will be 40 in September and apparently alzheimer's is already setting in. So, the last 5 years of our lives is lost somewhere in the gray matter in my brain which has turned to mush over my last 12 years as a mother. So, for your reading pleasure and my future chuckle as I re-read this post 5 years down the road. Here are a couple conversations I have had with my kids over the last few months that I hope to never forget. Lauren: I am going to have a baby soon. Me: NO YOU ARE NOT! Lauren: How do you know? Me: You aren't going to have a baby until you are married and you aren't going to get married until you after you graduate from college...or med school if you still want to be a doctor. Lauren: You once told me it would ruin my life if I had a baby in high school. Why? Me: Because it would ruin your life. You wouldn't be able to go to college because you would have to take care of your baby. You wouldn't get a good job because you didn't go to college. The baby's dad would be long gone and you would never find a good husband and have a happy family life because good guys don't want all that baggage. (I realize now that my have been a little overboard, but I think I made my point) Lauren: Well, how do I make sure I don't get a baby in high school? Me: (blurting out the first thing that comes to mind without thinking of the road we were about to head down) You don't have sex! Lauren: What is sex? Me: (knowing I made a mistake, but doing my best to be honest) It is when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina. Lauren: What's a vagina. Me: (oh my, what a horrible path this is taking) It is a woman's private parts. Laren: (horrified) You have to do that if you want a baby? Gross! Me: Yes Lauren: So, you and dad had to do that 3 times? Me: (this is when I started lying...I know a little late!) Well, actually you and Ben came together so we only had to do it twice. Lauren: I hope I have triplets so I only have to do it once! In my head I am thinking, "that would serve you right after the damage you and your brother did to me!" If you thought that was good here's another... Sitting at the dinner table with Travis and Jack. Jack: Payton is being so annoying. Me: What does she do that is annoying? Jack: Yesterday she told me that she had a secret and whispered "I like you" in my ear. Me: What did you do? Jack: I said "I know" and walked away. Me: What did she say? Jack: She followed me and asked me how I knew and I told her it was obvious because she follows me around all the time. Me: That wasn't very nice. Jack: Well... Travis: Even if you don't like her you should be nice to her. Jack: Why? Travis: Because Payton is pretty cute, right? Jack: No, she is annoying! Travis: Yes, I know you find her annoying and you don't like her. But, she is pretty cute right? Jack: NO! Travis: Whose cuter Betty (name changed to protect the innocent) or Payton? Jack: Well if I have to choose Payton. Travis: Here's how it works. Cute girls are friends with other cute girls. What if someday you like one of Payton's friends, but Payton says Jack is a jerk? You are out, girls listen to their friends. Jack: Ohhhh, I see where you are going with this. Me: So, do you think Sue (again protecting the innocent) is cute? Jack: No! Me: Ignoring her personality, she has a pretty rocking' body and she has (in a whisper) boobies! Jack: Moooom... Travis: (as he is walking away to get back to work) Jack, this is when you just tell a girl that she is the prettiest and avoid these kind of questions. Me: So Jack, what about Shirley (PTI - Protecting the innocent)? Jack: NO! Me: She has (whisper) boobies... Jack: No, mom! Shirley is not cute! Me: So you don't like boobies? Jack: No! Me: Madigan has boobies. Jack: No she doesn't! Me: Yes she does! I'll prove it... (showing him a picture and pointing them out) See this and this? Those are boobies! Do you like those boobies? Jack: (turning 50 shades of red) no Me: You don't? Daddy like boobies... Jack: He wouldn't say he does Me: Yes, he would! Jack: Do you want to bet? Me: Absolutely! Jack: Can I stay up until Dad gets off the phone so we can ask him? Me: Sure When Travis returns to the table... Me: Jack, do you want to ask him or should I? Jack: You ask him. Me: Travis, do you like boobies? Travis: Yes! Jack: Dad, you sold me out! You told me not to answer those kind of questions. Travis: Dude, you can answer that kind of question! Everyone knows guys like boobies...that is not a secret! Do you think this is the kind of conversation that Jack is referring to when he says "every time I talk to you it ends up getting weird"? Ben has been funny lately too...but, I can't remember specifics...thus the reason I need to start blogging more often!