Happy Birthday Nate & Spence

Six years ago last night I was sitting in the nasty recliner on bed rest watching the Huskers play a night game while Travis snored in the chair next to me. Don't ask me if they won or lost or whom they played, I am not one of those fans that memorize facts! It was my first pregnancy, I wasn't sure what contractions felt like but I thought I might be having them. I spent over an hour attempting to will the contractions away because it was much too early, but they just weren't listening. When the game finally ended around 11pm I woke up Travis so we could go to bed. I mentioned that I thought I might be having a few contractions. Travis being the logical one thought we ought to go to the hospital and have it checked out. By the time we arrived at the hospital the contractions were starting to hurt. I was admitted, examined and the doctor on call established that I was indeed in labor. They tried to stop the labor. I can't remember the medicine that they gave me, but it was brutal. I didn't have any medicine for the pain because they were trying to stop labor and the medicine they gave me was making me shake uncontrollably. The attempts to stop the labor failed and the doctor came in and asked if we wanted to deliver vaginally or via c-section. C-sections are less traumatizing to extremely small babies, but the recovery is tough and I needed a classic c-section, which would jeopardize future pregnancies. The doctor left the room for Travis and I to make a decision. When the doctor returned we were still just as lost as the minute he told us we were going to have to deliver. The doctor did us a giant favor and told us that if I were his wife he would have her deliver vaginally. He then proceeded to check to see how I was progressing, I was already at a 10. I had gone through the entire labor process without pain medication, I am not sure why they gave me an epidural at that point, but they did. I was bending over feeling the urge to push as they were jamming the giant needle in my back. I was then wheeled into the operating room to deliver. Nate and Spence were born a little after midnight on December 9th. I pushed very few times to get both babies out. The labor was so easy the doctor assured us that we made the right decision going with the vaginal birth. Nathan Kenneth came first; he weighed 2 lbs 1 oz then came Spencer Arnold weighing in at 1 lb 10.5 ozs. The babies were both assigned a team of specialists that swooped them off and hooked them up to oxygen, respirators and various machines. I was allowed to look at them for a short while before Travis and I were taken back to the recovery room. We weren't there long before the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) called and asked us to come down to visit Nate and Spence. Nate wasn't doing well, which we expected because he had been without amniotic fluid from the time I was 16 weeks along. He was having trouble breathing. Spence was doing better, he was on the respirator but he didn't have any brain bleeds, which was great news. We had to make the decision to let Nate go, the hospital Chaplin baptized him and Travis held me while I held him as he took his last breath. We were then ushered in a daze back to the recovery room. It was now 6am or so and a decent hour to call my parents to update them. They rushed right over to the hospital, when they arrived Travis headed home to take a quick shower. At this point we were fairly sure Spence was going to make it, but he would have to spend several months in the NICU before he would be able to come home with us. Then the phone rang, it was a nurse in the NICU, she wanted us to come down to see Spence. I explained that we would come down as soon as my husband got back. The nurse then told me we didn't have that kind of time, they were losing Spence. I called Travis at home, he was just getting out of the shower, he threw on some clothes and drove at over a hundred miles per hour to get back to the hospital. It was happening all over again. The doctors kept Spence alive until Travis got back and our pastor arrived. Our pastor (the same guy who confirmed me and married us) baptized Spence as I held him then we held him as he passed away. I was so numb, but the pain was still unbearable. The wonderful nurses supplied us with disposable cameras so we could take pictures of us holding the babies, they also took close up pictures of their tiny little bodies, someone made little molds of the precious little hands and feet. All of these keep sakes now reside in our master bedroom along with the clothes they were wearing and their ashes. When we were ready, we went back to the recovery room that had two white roses taped to the door as a code telling the nurses that our babies had died. I wanted nothing more than to wake myself up from this nightmare, but I couldn't, nobody could. I wanted to get as far away from those white roses as possible so Travis and I packed up and went home that same afternoon, as soon as the doctors would allow.

I would like nothing more than to be at Chuck E. Cheeses or some other hell on earth celebrating the birthday of my 6-year-old boys. But I don't want to give up the kids we have. If Nate and Spence would have lived, there would be no Jack, no Ben and no Lauren; we were planning to be done after two kids. As the years go by the pain isn't as raw, but it is still intense, I will never be the same.

Something good did happen on this day. Not only has this experience strengthened our marriage, three years ago Ben and Lauren were conceived. I know that is probably too much information, but I find it extremely noteworthy. It is really hard to not believe in a higher power when things like that happen!

When Jack was born we started a tradition of giving him a birthday present to celebrate the twins’ birthday. Today was no different each of the kids got a little stuffed animal and a book to share. I want the kids to always know that they have brothers in heaven. I haven’t given them all of the details, but they know that their brothers would have been 6-years-old today. Jack asked a couple of tough questions today about why his brothers don’t live on earth with us. I think Jack summed it up when he told me with tears in his eyes that he would sure like to have two older brothers living with him. Me too.