Pissed On

Lauren is doing great with the potty training. She hasn't had an accident since last Saturday...quick knock on some wood! The biggest problem with the potty training is her desire to check out the facilities at every new place we go. Last night we were going to Jack's baseball game. I instructed her to use the potty before we left. I monitored the "deposit" and came to the conclusion that her bladder must be empty. I was wrong. We weren't at the baseball fields 5 minutes before she decided that she needed to go potty. Since Travis is the coach I was stuck taking Ben into the bathroom with me. These bathrooms were only one step up from port-a-potties. The potties flushed and there were four walls, but there wasn't a true ceiling so when it rained last week all of the water just puddled up on the floor. I instructed the kids to avoid the water and head to the back so we could use the handicapped stall. As I was helping Lauren get situated on the extra tall potty Ben took my distraction as an opportunity to splash in the puddles. There was water splashed all the way up to his shorts and all over my calves. I had to convince Lauren that she couldn't take her panties all the way off because the floor was wet so I taught her how to wear them around her ankles. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to spread her legs as far apart as she is used to so she was sitting too close to the front of the potty. I bet you are asking yourself how close is too close? Well, it is too close to the front when you are able to arc the stream over the toilet and only your mother's foot! When she realized what was going on she cut the stream off and wasn't able to start up again. I made her sit there for several more minutes because I was NOT going in there again. I don't know what she was thinking as she was sitting there, but all I could think about was the fact that she probably isn't the first child to miss the toilet and the water that was splashed up on my legs and all over Ben's shorts probably wasn't just water!

Ex-Smoker Vs. Potty Trained

Have you ever noticed how former smokers seem to be more annoyed with second hand smoke than anyone else? My conclusion; cigarettes are to former smokers as diapers are to potty-trained children. Lauren is so acutely aware of Ben's bodily functions it is scary. The second Ben pees I hear "Benny peed!" or "Mommy you need to change Benny". The worst is when he poops; you would think he has toxic waste in his diaper. Lauren won't even go near him. She ridicules him. "Benny is a baby!” "Only baby's make stinky in their pants!", "You stink!" or the meanest insult of all "You can't play with us!" Is it wrong that I let a little of this go on in hopes that the peer pressure will help Ben get motivated to be diaper-free too?

Jack Logic

Wednesday I had to take Jack to Ben and Lauren's weekly playdate. I prepped him ahead of time by telling him that it might be a little boring for him but tomorrow we will have a big kid playdate at the beach club. We met our friends at the park for a picnic. All was going well until Jack decided to take his cheese on the playground. I told him several times to leave his cheese at the table and come back if he wanted to have a bite. Somehow he snuck off with his cheese in hand. The next thing I know he is falling from a 7ft platform tailbone first. He tried to grab onto a modified fireman's pole and lost his grip. I ran over and my first aid training kicked in. I asked him what hurt and he told me his back. All I could think was spinal cord injury. I told him not to move, had him wiggle his fingers and toes then decided that he was okay. Come to find out his back hurt because he got scratched by a piece of bark! As I was comforting Jack I took the opportunity to say I told you so. I told him that mommy doesn't just tell him things to be a buzz kill that I have his best interest in mind. If he wouldn't have been holding the cheese he probably wouldn't have fallen because he would have been able to use his other hand. Jack finally got up and started playing again. He came back about 30 minutes later to tell me what he had learned.

Jack: Mom, I know what to do better next time.
Me: Oh yeah, what?
Jack: Next time I decide to take cheese on the playground even though you tell me not to I am going to drop the cheese and use both hands instead of falling on my back.

Hmmm...Yet another message lost.

Is There Such A Thing?

Jack: (pointing at a woman jogging as we are on our way to the gym) Look mom, that lady is trying to get skinny like you.
Me: (doing my best to redirect so Lauren doesn't have the same weight issues I do when she grows up) Yep, she is running to be healthy.
Jack: Why do we need to go to the gym AGAIN?
Me: So mommy can stay healthy.
Jack: Don't you think you are skinny enough?

Is there such a thing as skinny enough? I think not! That is like having too much money, it can't happen!

AT&T Sucks!

My Modem/Router died Monday night. I have had not access to email or the internet since. I really didn't know how much I relied on my computer. I need my email for conducting our real estate business, setting up playdates, contacting the baseball league and staying in touch with my friends. You don't know how many times I started thinking about something and thought I should look that up online just to realize I couldn't. I just don't know how the mother's before us did it! I was telling my mother of my plight and she mentioned that they didn't even have answering machines or cell phones. Man, they must have spent a lot of time at home just trying to catch each other on the phone. Jack was even down and out because he couldn't play Webkinz or Cartoon Network! I won't go into the long drawn out story about how terrible AT&T's service is; it will just put me in a bad mood again and why ruin a perfectly good Saturday? I will do my best to recreate the week...

Train Table Torture

Dear Lauren,

This is a train table.

This is a water table.

From this point forward do not mix the two. I was not impressed when you chose to use your tea set to dump water on the train table. I was even less impressed when you encouraged your little brother to splash around in the water with you. Please accept this letter as your final notice.

This is a train table.

It is not something to stand on. When you choose to stand on the train table it is likely that you will fall off and get a black eye.

Please accept this letter as notice to not stand on the train table in the future. The next time you fall off the train table I will not feel sorry for you!

Love,
Mommy

We-We Weekend

Me: Lauren do you need to go potty?
Lauren: Yes.

Head to the bathroom.

Pick up Lauren so she can turn on the light.

Put the baby insert on the toilet.

Pull off panties.

Lift Lauren on the potty.

Wait.

Wait.

Wipe.

Help Lauren off the potty.

Flush.

Put panties back on.

Wash hands.

Dry hands.

Turn off light.

Five minutes later...

Lauren: Mommy, I have to go potty.
Me: Okay head to the bathroom.

Then we take it from the top again.

This has been my weekend, with the occasional poopy accident mixed in. Yesterday we went swimming and I had to clean a giant log out of her swimsuit, then we had dinner at friends and by the time she pooped in her pants again I couldn't stop myself from yelling "Travis, we are leaving, Lauren shit her pants again!” Maybe if I hadn't already cleaned one poopy accident, sat through 5 false alarms and taken her pee pee at least a dozen times I probably would have been able to calmly clean the mess.

This morning Travis had the nerve to tell me how much fun he had yesterday…kick me while I am down. I think he was trying to tell me that he wants to take a few potty breaks today!