Tiller The Baby Killer

Up until yesterday Dr. Tiller performed late term abortions in Wichita, KS. Yesterday, he was gunned down on as he was serving as an usher at his church. Dr. Tiller performed these abortions for women who met certain criteria, the mother and or baby needed to be in danger. When I was younger and more naive I would have categorized myself as pro-life under any circumstance. Through life experiences my views have changed, I am still pro-life, but I do understand there are women who may need Dr. Tiller's services.

When I was 16 weeks pregnant with my first set of twins, Nate & Spence, I had a bright red gush in the middle of the night. Travis and I went directly to the emergency room to discover that my water had broken. The twins were fraternal, so Nate had no amniotic fluid, but Spence was still okay. In the morning a specialist that did his best to explain what had happened visited me. After he told me the outcome would most likely be negative he told me that I had one week to decide if we wanted to end the pregnancy. In Nebraska, abortion is only legal up to 17 weeks. I was so happy to have Travis by my side. Travis is pro-choice, but he knows and understands my beliefs. So, when the doctor asked us if we wanted to schedule an abortion, I froze up, but Travis was able to say "NO!” We put our babies lives in God's hands and hoped and prayed for the best. I went another 10 weeks on bed rest trying to maintain the pregnancy. When I was nearly 26 weeks, Spence's water broke. We were told that the babies wouldn't benefit from being inside anymore. However, in the state of Nebraska they could not induce labor at 26 weeks because it would be considered abortion, therefore illegal. The doctor suggested I discontinue my bed rest in hopes of inducing labor. I walked around for a day, but labor didn't happen. My doctor then told me about a clinic in Kansas that would be able to help me. I don't know if it was Dr. Tiller's clinic, but if it wasn't him it was someone similar. I called the clinic in hopes that they would induce labor and we could hand the babies over to the NICU to nurse the babies back to health. But, that was not the service the clinic provided. The clinic explained that they would give me some medicine to kill the babies so they wouldn't feel pain, then they would break the babies up and pull them out piece by piece. Needless to say, this is not what I had in mind! I got off the phone with the clinic and called Travis to tell him that we weren't doing that. After explaining the process Travis agreed with me! I called my doctor to tell him that wouldn't be happening. The doctor suggested I return to bed rest until my body naturally went into labor. I spent another couple of days on the recliner in front of the television until I went into labor. The babies were born premature and only lived a few hours each.

Through this experience my beliefs changed. I am still pro-life for myself, but I now understand this is not a black and white issue. I think columnist Toby Harnden said it best when he wrote "To be bitterly opposed to such abortions - or, indeed, any abortions - is a completely respectable moral and political position. To regard abortion as murder and to regard the likes of George Tiller as "baby killers" is also legitimate. But to murder Tiller, to appoint oneself as judge and executioner, to take a life as retribution for other lives that have been taken is another matter entirely. To do so while Tiller was inside his church only adds to the twisted evil of the act."

Unanswered Prayers

Seven years ago today I was praying like I never had before or have since. I had given birth to extremely premature twins. We were prepped that Nate wouldn't make it, but we had a lot of hope for Spence. Both boys were born, lived a few hours and died December 9th, 2001. I can easily pinpoint this as the worst day of my life.

If Nate and Spence had lived, we would have never met Jack, Ben or Lauren. I can't imagine my life without those three! I think I love them even more intensely than the average mother because of what we went through with Nate and Spence. I never want to relive December 9th, 2001, but I wouldn't give it up for all the money in the world. I love my family and can't imagine it any other way. I guess Garth was right "some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers".

I love you Nate and Spence and can't wait to meet you again!

Thank You

Six years ago today Travis went to work. He had a big presentation to make so he went in. When his boss heard what was happening at home he gave Travis a week or so paid leave so we could be together. While I was home alone with my thoughts on the day after Nate and Spence were born, this is what I wrote. Whenever I need a good cry I read this, I don't even know if Travis knows I get into our memory box and reminisce several times a year.

Dear Nate & Spence,

Your lives were cut too short. You came too soon and you left too early. I didn't know that I should be treasuring every time you made me throw up and every ache and pain you gave me. Or, did I refuse to believe that you wouldn't be coming home to live a full and complete life with me. I can't help but cry when I remember that my boys are no longer inside of me. I spent 23 weeks and four days with you that I will never forget. I held you and loved you every second you were alive. I am sorry that your dad only had a few short hours with you. I had a dream that you both had brown hair, I was right. But, I never dreamed that you would be so small. Even at 2 lbs 1.1 ozs and 1 lb 10.4 ozs I could still see how perfect you were. Ten fingers and ten toes, isn't that what everyone asks for? I didn't know I should be asking for strong lungs too. Isn't that a given? Nate, you had your daddy's head. The little hospital hat would only sit on top of your head. I was holding each of you when you took your last breath. I hope you look back at that time as a time of comfort like I do. I didn't truly feel pain until you were gone. All I have left to remember you by are the little molds of your hands and feet, a few snips of hair and the outfits you wore on your first and last day outside the womb. I wish you could have taken more to remember me by. All I think you took was my heart. Don't worry; I want you to keep it. I know another one will grow back eventually. I know your time with me was short, but please don't forget how much your mommy loves you. Thank you for loving me and allowing me to love you. Thank you for making me a stronger person. Thank you for showing me that the best gifts do come in small packages. Thank you for sharing your lives with me. But most of all thank you for making what I thought was a strong marriage even stronger.

Love,
Mommy

Happy Birthday Nate & Spence

Six years ago last night I was sitting in the nasty recliner on bed rest watching the Huskers play a night game while Travis snored in the chair next to me. Don't ask me if they won or lost or whom they played, I am not one of those fans that memorize facts! It was my first pregnancy, I wasn't sure what contractions felt like but I thought I might be having them. I spent over an hour attempting to will the contractions away because it was much too early, but they just weren't listening. When the game finally ended around 11pm I woke up Travis so we could go to bed. I mentioned that I thought I might be having a few contractions. Travis being the logical one thought we ought to go to the hospital and have it checked out. By the time we arrived at the hospital the contractions were starting to hurt. I was admitted, examined and the doctor on call established that I was indeed in labor. They tried to stop the labor. I can't remember the medicine that they gave me, but it was brutal. I didn't have any medicine for the pain because they were trying to stop labor and the medicine they gave me was making me shake uncontrollably. The attempts to stop the labor failed and the doctor came in and asked if we wanted to deliver vaginally or via c-section. C-sections are less traumatizing to extremely small babies, but the recovery is tough and I needed a classic c-section, which would jeopardize future pregnancies. The doctor left the room for Travis and I to make a decision. When the doctor returned we were still just as lost as the minute he told us we were going to have to deliver. The doctor did us a giant favor and told us that if I were his wife he would have her deliver vaginally. He then proceeded to check to see how I was progressing, I was already at a 10. I had gone through the entire labor process without pain medication, I am not sure why they gave me an epidural at that point, but they did. I was bending over feeling the urge to push as they were jamming the giant needle in my back. I was then wheeled into the operating room to deliver. Nate and Spence were born a little after midnight on December 9th. I pushed very few times to get both babies out. The labor was so easy the doctor assured us that we made the right decision going with the vaginal birth. Nathan Kenneth came first; he weighed 2 lbs 1 oz then came Spencer Arnold weighing in at 1 lb 10.5 ozs. The babies were both assigned a team of specialists that swooped them off and hooked them up to oxygen, respirators and various machines. I was allowed to look at them for a short while before Travis and I were taken back to the recovery room. We weren't there long before the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) called and asked us to come down to visit Nate and Spence. Nate wasn't doing well, which we expected because he had been without amniotic fluid from the time I was 16 weeks along. He was having trouble breathing. Spence was doing better, he was on the respirator but he didn't have any brain bleeds, which was great news. We had to make the decision to let Nate go, the hospital Chaplin baptized him and Travis held me while I held him as he took his last breath. We were then ushered in a daze back to the recovery room. It was now 6am or so and a decent hour to call my parents to update them. They rushed right over to the hospital, when they arrived Travis headed home to take a quick shower. At this point we were fairly sure Spence was going to make it, but he would have to spend several months in the NICU before he would be able to come home with us. Then the phone rang, it was a nurse in the NICU, she wanted us to come down to see Spence. I explained that we would come down as soon as my husband got back. The nurse then told me we didn't have that kind of time, they were losing Spence. I called Travis at home, he was just getting out of the shower, he threw on some clothes and drove at over a hundred miles per hour to get back to the hospital. It was happening all over again. The doctors kept Spence alive until Travis got back and our pastor arrived. Our pastor (the same guy who confirmed me and married us) baptized Spence as I held him then we held him as he passed away. I was so numb, but the pain was still unbearable. The wonderful nurses supplied us with disposable cameras so we could take pictures of us holding the babies, they also took close up pictures of their tiny little bodies, someone made little molds of the precious little hands and feet. All of these keep sakes now reside in our master bedroom along with the clothes they were wearing and their ashes. When we were ready, we went back to the recovery room that had two white roses taped to the door as a code telling the nurses that our babies had died. I wanted nothing more than to wake myself up from this nightmare, but I couldn't, nobody could. I wanted to get as far away from those white roses as possible so Travis and I packed up and went home that same afternoon, as soon as the doctors would allow.

I would like nothing more than to be at Chuck E. Cheeses or some other hell on earth celebrating the birthday of my 6-year-old boys. But I don't want to give up the kids we have. If Nate and Spence would have lived, there would be no Jack, no Ben and no Lauren; we were planning to be done after two kids. As the years go by the pain isn't as raw, but it is still intense, I will never be the same.

Something good did happen on this day. Not only has this experience strengthened our marriage, three years ago Ben and Lauren were conceived. I know that is probably too much information, but I find it extremely noteworthy. It is really hard to not believe in a higher power when things like that happen!

When Jack was born we started a tradition of giving him a birthday present to celebrate the twins’ birthday. Today was no different each of the kids got a little stuffed animal and a book to share. I want the kids to always know that they have brothers in heaven. I haven’t given them all of the details, but they know that their brothers would have been 6-years-old today. Jack asked a couple of tough questions today about why his brothers don’t live on earth with us. I think Jack summed it up when he told me with tears in his eyes that he would sure like to have two older brothers living with him. Me too.

More?

I took Ben and Lauren to the store to buy a baby gift. The clerk asked me if they were twins, how old they were, then she asked the question I dread. "Are they your only children?" It seems like a simple enough question, but I am left fighting for the words to answer the question. My heart silently answers "No, I have twin boys who are almost 6 and a 4-year-old boy". My stomach ties in knots as my lips answer "No, I have a 4-year-old boy who is in preschool today". I know a random stranger doesn't want to hear my sad story, but at the same time I feel like I am denying the twins by not acknowledging them. When Jack was really little and people asked if he was my first I would often say "No, I have twin boys" and drop it. My kids are now old enough to get confused by an answer like that. My heart is often heavy this time of year as I reflect on my attempts to preserve Nate and Spence's lives as I sat on bed rest. I can't believe it has already been 6 years; the pain is still so fresh. But, at the same time look at all we have accomplished in the 6 short years since!

Dead Babies Creep Me Out

I watched Elise the other afternoon while Anne took her other daughters to the pediatrician. When she came to pick her up we decided that it was late enough in the day that we could justify a glass of wine. As we sat and chatted the kids came running up with a doll saying that the baby was dead. God bless Anne, she saw the color drain from my face and quickly said, “you mean the baby is sick, right?" The kids then corrected her and said, "No, the baby is dead". I get to the point where I think I am dealing really well with Nate and Spence's death and something like this slaps me in the face. I looked at the "dead doll" and the little hairs on my arm stood at attention as my brain dug up memories of looking into Nate and Spence's little faces as they died in my arms. I think these are images that will be etched in my mind for the rest of my life. It gives me comfort to have them there, but I only like to retrieve them when I am alone. I don't like others to see my weaknesses and that is certainly one of them! I guess if Anne wasn't already in my inner circle she is now.