I'm back...

I have spent the last several hours reading my posts from 5+ years ago. It was so fun reliving some of the stories...some I had forgotten they even happened. I will be 40 in September and apparently alzheimer's is already setting in. So, the last 5 years of our lives is lost somewhere in the gray matter in my brain which has turned to mush over my last 12 years as a mother. So, for your reading pleasure and my future chuckle as I re-read this post 5 years down the road. Here are a couple conversations I have had with my kids over the last few months that I hope to never forget. Lauren: I am going to have a baby soon. Me: NO YOU ARE NOT! Lauren: How do you know? Me: You aren't going to have a baby until you are married and you aren't going to get married until you after you graduate from college...or med school if you still want to be a doctor. Lauren: You once told me it would ruin my life if I had a baby in high school. Why? Me: Because it would ruin your life. You wouldn't be able to go to college because you would have to take care of your baby. You wouldn't get a good job because you didn't go to college. The baby's dad would be long gone and you would never find a good husband and have a happy family life because good guys don't want all that baggage. (I realize now that my have been a little overboard, but I think I made my point) Lauren: Well, how do I make sure I don't get a baby in high school? Me: (blurting out the first thing that comes to mind without thinking of the road we were about to head down) You don't have sex! Lauren: What is sex? Me: (knowing I made a mistake, but doing my best to be honest) It is when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina. Lauren: What's a vagina. Me: (oh my, what a horrible path this is taking) It is a woman's private parts. Laren: (horrified) You have to do that if you want a baby? Gross! Me: Yes Lauren: So, you and dad had to do that 3 times? Me: (this is when I started lying...I know a little late!) Well, actually you and Ben came together so we only had to do it twice. Lauren: I hope I have triplets so I only have to do it once! In my head I am thinking, "that would serve you right after the damage you and your brother did to me!" If you thought that was good here's another... Sitting at the dinner table with Travis and Jack. Jack: Payton is being so annoying. Me: What does she do that is annoying? Jack: Yesterday she told me that she had a secret and whispered "I like you" in my ear. Me: What did you do? Jack: I said "I know" and walked away. Me: What did she say? Jack: She followed me and asked me how I knew and I told her it was obvious because she follows me around all the time. Me: That wasn't very nice. Jack: Well... Travis: Even if you don't like her you should be nice to her. Jack: Why? Travis: Because Payton is pretty cute, right? Jack: No, she is annoying! Travis: Yes, I know you find her annoying and you don't like her. But, she is pretty cute right? Jack: NO! Travis: Whose cuter Betty (name changed to protect the innocent) or Payton? Jack: Well if I have to choose Payton. Travis: Here's how it works. Cute girls are friends with other cute girls. What if someday you like one of Payton's friends, but Payton says Jack is a jerk? You are out, girls listen to their friends. Jack: Ohhhh, I see where you are going with this. Me: So, do you think Sue (again protecting the innocent) is cute? Jack: No! Me: Ignoring her personality, she has a pretty rocking' body and she has (in a whisper) boobies! Jack: Moooom... Travis: (as he is walking away to get back to work) Jack, this is when you just tell a girl that she is the prettiest and avoid these kind of questions. Me: So Jack, what about Shirley (PTI - Protecting the innocent)? Jack: NO! Me: She has (whisper) boobies... Jack: No, mom! Shirley is not cute! Me: So you don't like boobies? Jack: No! Me: Madigan has boobies. Jack: No she doesn't! Me: Yes she does! I'll prove it... (showing him a picture and pointing them out) See this and this? Those are boobies! Do you like those boobies? Jack: (turning 50 shades of red) no Me: You don't? Daddy like boobies... Jack: He wouldn't say he does Me: Yes, he would! Jack: Do you want to bet? Me: Absolutely! Jack: Can I stay up until Dad gets off the phone so we can ask him? Me: Sure When Travis returns to the table... Me: Jack, do you want to ask him or should I? Jack: You ask him. Me: Travis, do you like boobies? Travis: Yes! Jack: Dad, you sold me out! You told me not to answer those kind of questions. Travis: Dude, you can answer that kind of question! Everyone knows guys like boobies...that is not a secret! Do you think this is the kind of conversation that Jack is referring to when he says "every time I talk to you it ends up getting weird"? Ben has been funny lately too...but, I can't remember specifics...thus the reason I need to start blogging more often!

Mommy (David) and Goodyear (Goliath)

Normally Travis is in charge of all things car related, but this time was different, we have been so busy I could not give up my truck for a whole day. I needed new tires, so Travis ordered them from tirerack.com and put them in my truck. He instructed me to call Goodyear (I normally don't name names, but Goodyear sucks so bad I want the world to know it!) in the morning and schedule an appointment to have them mounted and balanced. Travis also told me to make sure that I got the Tire Rack discount. I figured this assignment would be easy enough...

On the phone:
Me: Good morning, I need to schedule an appointment to have tires mounted and balanced on my LR3
Jeremy (store manager at Goodyear): No problem, when do you want to come in?
Me: This morning would be best.
Jeremy: Our first available appointment is 3 o'clock
Me: How long will it take? (I need to pick Jack up at 3:45)
Jeremy: Well, it is hard for me to say because we might not be able to get you in right away if our bays are full.
Me: (slightly befuddled) Okay, I will try the 3.

Why do they schedule appointments if they don't save a place for you? When he said I might have to wait, I was thinking 20 minutes or so. I arrived for my appointment 10 minutes early hoping that would help my cause, I was wrong.

Arriving at the shop, with Ben and Lauren in tow:
Me: Hello, I am here for my 3 o'clock mounting and balancing appointment.
Jeremy: Are you going to be able to leave us your truck?
Me: No, that is why I made an appointment.
Jeremy: Well, like I said on the phone you are going to have to wait. We won't be able to get your truck in for an hour to an hour and a half.
Me: (sighing heavily) Okay...

Then, Jeremy presented me with a preliminary bill to sign off on.

Me: Does this include the Tire Rack discount?
Jeremy: No, we have to have a copy of the invoice to give you the discount.
Me: It is all on the tire.
Jeremy: I need the invoice, not the tire sticker.
Me: I haven't removed anything from the tires; it has all of Tire Rack's numbers on it.
Jeremy: I can't give you the discount without the invoice.

Frustrated, I called Travis.

Me: They won't give me the discount without the invoice.
Travis: It's on the tire.
Me: I told him that, he still won't give it to me without an invoice.
Travis: Let me talk to him.

I handed my cell phone over to Jeremy. I could tell Travis was explaining how things were going to go because Jeremy was doing a lot of "yes, sir". Then I heard Jeremy say "Well, your wife didn't tell me that". This is when I lost it!

Me: This is bullshit! I did so tell you, you are a liar!
Jeremy: It's okay I am going to give you the discount.
Me: NO! IT IS NOT OKAY! You were trying to take advantage of me because I am a woman! He didn't tell you anything that I hadn't already explained to you! You are a jerk!!
Jeremy: I am not trying to take advantage of you because you are a woman.
Me: Do you try to take advantage of everyone?!?!?
Jeremy: I am not trying to take advantage of you.
Me: I guess we are going to have to agree to disagree.

When I returned to Ben and Lauren's side Lauren had a few questions for me.

Lauren: Why were you yelling at that man?
Me: (loud enough for Jeremy to hear) because he is a pig!
Lauren: Like the kind that rolls in the mud?
Me: Yes, just like that!

This is when the best moment of my day occurred! Ben and Lauren stared snorting like pigs at Jeremy. Did I stop them? Oh no, I did not stop them, I actually considered joining in, but I decided to be the adult!

We continued to wait and wait and wait. Finally after we had been at the shop for over an hour I see them pull my car into the shop. 15 minutes later Jeremy comes to the waiting area holding my owner’s manual.

Jeremy: Do you know how to turn off the air suspension?
Me: No, shouldn't you?
Jeremy: Well, I have gone through the manual and I can't find anything about it.
Me: Let me call my husband...again!

This time Travis was in a meeting when I called so he didn't answer. I had to pull the emergency second call. Travis knows if I call twice back to back he needs to pick up. I quickly told Travis what was going on and again I had to hand Jeremy my cell phone. Travis explained to the grease monkey that the air suspension does not turn off so he would have to do each tire separately. I could hear Jeremy hemming and hawing about how that would take longer, blah, blah, blah. When Jeremy got off the phone he told me that it was going to take longer. I had already called Trisha and asked her to pick Jack up from school so I figured I had already been there an hour and a half, what's a little longer!

It wasn't long before my phone rang. It was Travis telling me that these people didn't know what they are doing and to get my truck away from them stat! I balked at first, because I already had nearly 2 hours invested into the tire mounting and balancing. But, Travis explained that they could cause $3000 worth of damage if/when they do it wrong. So, after 2 hours of hanging out at Goodyear I left with my same old tires!

Benny's My Boy!

Ben: I know Santa roots for the Huskers.
Me: How do you know that?
Ben: Because he wears red, duh!

Another First...

Friday night Travis and I were getting ready to go to a Christmas party. I was feeding the kids a quick dinner before the babysitter arrived when the phone rang.

Me: Hello.
Little Girl: Hello, this is Micah, is Jack H. home?
Me: Yes, just a minute.

This is the girl that wrote "I like Jack because he is handsome" in his Top Cat book at school. As soon as I read that I was determined to get to the bottom of this. I asked Jack if Micah was cute, he was appalled and yelled "No, she's short!" I am at school volunteering often so I knew it wouldn't be hard to do a little detective work. I started with his teacher.

Me: So, who is Micah?
Mrs. Q: Which one?
Me: There are two?
Mrs. Q: Yep, Asian or Black?
Me: I don't know the one who said Jack was handsome in his Top Cat book.
Mrs. Q: Oh, that's Asian, Black wouldn't know that word.

Okay, let's get past the bigotry of Jack's teacher for a minute since this is not what the story is about, but I was just as shocked as you are that this was coming out of the mouth of a first grade teacher.

Travis and I eavesdropped intently and snickered as we watched our little boy on the phone. I could see him rolling his eyes and turning red, but he didn't say much. All I heard him say was "okay". When he got off the phone my interrogation started.

Me: Who was that?
Jack: Micah.
Me: What did she want?
Jack: I don't know.
Me: What did she say?
Jack: I don't know.

I could see that this line of questioning was going nowhere fast so I stopped while I was ahead. Jack gets kind of shy in front of his dad and I was guessing this was what was going on.

We went to our party and surveyed our friends with older boys about when the girls calling the house starts. From what I can gather our boy is advanced!

The next day I corned Jack in his room by himself.

Me: So, what was that phone call all about last night?
Jack: I don't know?
Me: Why was she calling?
Jack: I don't know?
Me: Were her friends with her?
Jack: I guess so; I heard a lot of giggling.
Me: What did she say?
Jack: She said she was going to kiss me at school on Monday.
Me: What did you say?
Jack: Nothing.
Me: Did she say anything else?
Jack: Yeah, she said she was going to marry me.
Me: Do you like Micah?
Jack: Not like that!
Me: Is she your friend?
Jack: I guess so, but she is kinda annoying because she is always trying to touch me and kiss me.
Me: So, you don't like girls yet?
Jack: I like girls! I have a girlfriend! I just don't like Micah like that!!
Me: Who is your girlfriend?
Jack: Why do we need to keep going over this? It is Lily!!

Naughty or Nice?

Jack: What if Santa just leaves me coal for Christmas?
Me: Then I will have to ask you what naughty thing you did that I didn't know about.
Jack: Oh.
Me: Have you been naughty or nice?
Jack: Nice.
Ben: I have been really nice!
Me: Lauren, have you been naughty or nice?
Lauren: Naughty...Wait, I mean nice, NICE, I promise I have been NICE!
Jack: We might all be on the naughty list...
Me: Well, you could try really hard to be nice between now and Christmas and maybe Santa will forgive you for anything naughty you have done.
Ben: I have been nice ALL DAY and Santa hasn't given me anything...Santa is the naughty one!

Zhu Zhu, How Could You?

Have you heard of Zhu Zhu Pets? If not, you are only about a week behind me. A week or so ago my kids summoned me to the game room to see a commercial for Zhu Zhu Pets. I was berated with a chorus of "I want that!", "Me too!", "I am going to ask Santa!” etc. My first thought was fantastic, those look cheap! A Zhu Zhu Pet is a little battery powered hamster that runs through a little maze, has a car, a bed, clothes and a multitude of other accessories you can purchase, if you have enough money. I did a quick online search and found they were one of the 'hot' toys for this Christmas season. I decided to go out the next day to purchase the Zhu Zhu Pets and found an empty shelf where they should sit. I called my mom right away and let her know to be on the lookout for them. Since the first store I visited I have been to at least a dozen more and have called every Target in the metroplex. Not a single Zhu Zhu in town. I have made a point to go into every Walmart and Target I see as I am going about my daily business. Today I went into a Walmart and was told that they haven't ever had any of the hamsters in, only accessories. Are you kidding me? They are advertising the hell out of this little toy, working our kids into a frenzy and there aren't enough to go around. Perhaps they would be better off spending money on manufacturing rather than marketing! If I actually find them at Walmart I will have to hold them hostage until my mom can get to the store too because there is a limit of two. Two Zhu Zhu pets are as good as none to me. How do I choose which kid doesn't get one? I have drug Ben and Lauren in and out of store after store searching for the little rodents. After the umpteenth store Lauren told me "Don't worry mom, if you can't find Zhu Zhu Pets Santa will bring them for us!” Great. Just great. Who taught her this blind faith in Santa anyway? The good news is the pets are only eight bucks a piece, if I could find them. I apparently wasn't the only one who thought, "No problem, I have time, I will just order them online". Well, it isn't a problem if you are willing to pay FIVE times the MSRP. That's right, they aren't available on the normal discount/department store sites and they are between $40 and $50 a piece on amazon.com. Unbelievable.

Red Ribbon vs. Red Wine

Jack: Last week was red ribbon week.
Me: Yeah...
Jack: We learned that wine was a drug. Why so you drink drugs? It is bad for you!
Me: Well, it is okay if you are 21 and don't drink too much.
Jack: You aren't 21!
Me: You're right, I am older than 21, you have to be at least 21 to drink wine.
Jack: You said 21!
Me: I meant at least 21.
Jack: Okay, if you say so...why, do you drink and drive?
Me: I don't drink and drive!
Jack: You are drinking (we were in the car) right now!
Me: I am drinking soda!
Jack: It is dangerous to yourself and others to drink and drive!
Me: It is dangerous to drink alcohol and drive.
Jack: Oh, they should have been more specific!